Once upon a time, in the long ago days of Cobain and flannel, there was a girl who wanted to be just a girl, even though she was anything but. It was so important to Alanna to have a life outside of her parents’ realm of influence that she did a thing that she had never done before. A thing that, within recorded history, no one had ever done before.

 

She threatened them with premature abdication.

 

Other girls may have whined or begged to be allowed to explore the world. There could have been tears and tantrums and relatively straight forward rebellion vis a vis running away.

 

Maybe the method that Alanna used showed just how different she really was, beyond the obvious.

 

She waited until her mother and father were holding a joint festival at which all of their courts were in full attendance, and submitted a petition just as a peer of the realm would.

 

It read as thus-

 

“I, Alanna, having obtained the age of my Majority and full breadth and Acceptable Control of my Abilities do hereby Petition Your August, Wise, and Ever Indulgently Benevolent Majesties, Oberon and Titania, that I be permitted to seek Higher Education within the realm of the thintos until such a time as I am required to resume my Duties as your Adoring Heir Apparent or there is an end to the Knowledge to be Gained for the Benefit of Our People. I will accept Necessary Guardians as you, in your Abundant Graciousness and Wisdom deem fit to secure my Person, Within Reason.

 

“Refusal to accede to this Most Reasonable Request will be met with Complete and Utter Severing of Familial Bonds, at which point I will consider all Obligations to Your Majesties to be Null and Void.”

 

This was met, of course, with an immediate gust of a wind of whispers through the court. For her part, Queen Titania’s guise added to the sudden squall in the great hall, with a thunderous look on her brow.

 

King Oberon merely leaned back in her chair, his eyes cast upwards at the stars as though probing mysteries unknowable, and sighed in such a thoughtful way that all the courts fell still for a long, long moment.

 

“You’re certain about this?” he asked, without shifting his gaze.

 

Alanna raised her chin. “I am, sir.”

 

Only then did the king glance as his lady wife. In the way that long married couples do, they came to a conclusion in that once glance.

 

And that, more or less, is how Alanna came into the world as we know it.

 

The sun was just rising when the extremely unwelcome chimes began. Alanna stuffed her head under the pillow, wishing for the thousandth time that her mother didn’t have a sick, sadistic sense of humor.

 

Fae come in all shapes and sizes- the guardian her mother had selected believed herself to be an Absolute Authority on the mortal world. To be fair, when you consider the candidates Queen Titania had to select from (few) and those that were willing to spend what she ascertained to be an acceptable amount of time exiled from their natural habitat (fewer), and those that could be trusted not to generally cause mayhem and mischief (one), she’d done the best with what she had.

 

Unfortunately for Alanna, the best she had was Galinda the Good Witch. To be clear, she wasn’t actually a witch, she was very definitely a faerie operating under the delusion that Alanna needed a personal body servant. Also unfortunately for Alanna, Galinda had adopted the classic Wizard of Oz concept of a Good Witch. 

 

This meant a dress that didn’t really fit into the tiny dorm room, a crown that was inevitably knocked off Galinda’s head by inconvenient human contrivances like doorways and light fixtures, a long wand she insisted on waving about as though it were a sword, and… those damned tinkling, chiming bells following her everywhere.

 

“Up, up, up!” Galinda pealed in her saccharine, chirpy voice. “Your Highness, you must rise and greet the beauteous day in this squalid slum you’ve chosen to sequester yourself in away from all polite society and comfort!”

 

Debating several potential appropriate replies ranging from relocating Galinda’s mouth to the bottom of the nearest occupied toilet bowl to opening a dimensional portal to Hell, Alanna blinked and reoriented herself before speaking.

 

“Galinda, didn’t we talk about the calendar?” she asked mildly.

 

One of the problems with claiming to be an Absolute Authority when you may not be is that you will be hit with questions that require you to tap dance a bit.

 

“Yes, it’s hanging over there on the wall!” Galinda thrust her wand at it like a rapier, knocking the lamp off the desk.

“I’m so glad you located it,” Alanna said, voice devoid of all expression. “Might you be so kind as to read it please?”

 

With a great rustle, Galinda picked up her skirts and glided the step and a half to the wall majestically. “Auuuuuuugh. Ust!” she said triumphantly before peering back at the bed, where the occupant yet resided. 

 

“Fantastic. Keep going. Don’t stop til you get to today.”

 

“Well, that’s just silly, Your Highness, you already know it’s,” and Galinda leaned in to the calendar nearsightedly, “Fa… fa… Faerieday the Seventh!”

 

There was a faint pop in the air just above Galinda’s head. “You beglittered bint, it’s Sunday the Ninth, and Her Highness, in her most Polite and Benedictous Way is informing you that it’s her Day Off.”

 

The newcomer floated lazily on his back midair, his thin pale face all a’smirk at Galinda’s discomfiture as he bit into an apple. “Good morrow, Your Most Lovely Highness.” 

 

“Good morning, Puck.”

 

It must be said that Oberon’s choice of guardian for his daughter was more familiar with the ways and means of mortals than his counterpart, but as far as Alanna was concerned, that was something of a mixed blessing. Slight, endlessly charming, and having perfected the art of presenting an innocence countenance when events just happened to go very wrong, though always for someone else, Puck had been Oberon’s favored page for… well, a very long time. 

 

However, because he was Oberon’s favorite servant for interactions outside his realm, for all his lazing insouciance, Puck was a busy guy. 

 

That was the first upside.

 

Harumphing as she lifted the pillow from Alanna’s head, Galinda made a move to open the window, causing her to bolt upright. “NO! We talked about this! No way, no how, don’t you bloody dare do that!” The witch completely ignored her as she swung her wand at the panes, shattering two. “Puck! STOP HER!”

 

The sprite reached into his jacket pocket and, arming himself, placed his feet lightly the floor. “Madam! Thou hast gone too far and angered my Lady Princess!” He dashed a black glove smartly across Galinda’s thunderstruck face. “Thou stands challenged, base wench! I demand satisfaction!” 

 

And then, Puck ignited his weapon of choice, which happened to be a purple lightsaber. “Jedi motherfucker, do you speak it?!”

 

Alanna took advantage of Galinda’s temporary state of complete confusion to snatch back her pillow and bury her head back under it while the duel concluded. Once all was resolved, the issue of the witch opening the window was moot as she had been literally disarmed. There was also the small matter of the destruction of the light fixture, deep gouges and scorch marks in the walls, the footboard being sliced in half, and there was something going on with Galinda’s hair. It was… melted.

 

Taking a deep breath, Alanna resumed her original featureless voice. “So, thank you, Puck. Galinda, we talked about this. I completely understand your point of view about appropriate bathing and dressing of a princess. I am also the ranking member of the court present, and as such I utterly reject being dressed and shat upon by birds and mice in order to suit your concept of what befits my title. Any further attempt to facilitate this yet again will result in the same indignities and discomfort you are currently experiencing.” She paused. “Is that clear?”

 

Sulking, Galinda attempted to curtsy, failed, and finally muttered, “Yes, Your Highness.”

 

“Very good,” Alanna said. “Now, I find your attire to be slovenly and your visage unsightly. Pray remedy this and do not return until you are fit to be seen.”

 

Galinda disappeared with a sullen pop, which caused a chunk of plaster to fall from the ceiling.

 

Alanna sighed and got out of bed. Fetching a broom and dustpan, she began to clean up the mess.

 

“Not that I get to criticize anyone, and certainly not a member of the blood royal,” Puck began as he resumed his floating Lazyboy sprawl midair.

 

“To their faces, no,” Alanna said.

 

“And what better way to get zotted than to be indiscreet? Appearances may be deceiving, but I am not a complete idiot.” Puck sniffed, then motioned to the room as he went back to eating his apple, recalled from the ether. “Why are you doing this?”

 

“Cleaning the room? Because I have guardians of limited scope that can’t seem to find a way to solve problems without creating chaos and disaster in their wake.” She gave him a pointed look as she tipped a full dustpan into her trash can.

 

Puck rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers, instantly returning the room to its original state, and Alanna was dressed with her hair brushed and wearing the clothes that she’d hung on the back of the closet door for the day. “There? Better?”

 

Alanna stomped her foot at him. “No, Puck, that’s not better. That’s the exact problem!”

 

He finished his apple and studied the core briefly before flinging it over his shoulder into the can. “I don’t see a problem. The bad witch is gone, the room has been returned to its former poky, undersized, unstylish state, and you’re ready to enjoy your Day Off.” Looking over his shoulder, Puck found her expression alarming enough to ask nervously, “You’re not going to zot me, right? I mean, it’s absolutely your prerogative to zot me if I have given offense, or if it entertains you, or if it would entertain someone else, but I’d really rather you didn’t. I just ate, and having the apple baked while it’s inside me just ruins my whole breakfast.”