Random Ramble- Coping.

It’s been a really scary time, this 2020, and I’m very much hoping the chaos quiets down just a little bit, just for a little while, to give us time to cope.

I will say that our various circles have been just amazing at stepping in and offering support, and it means the absolute world to us. It’s been strange and surreal and gut wrenching, yeah, but all these hands and voices behind us, wanting to help cushion the fall any way they can think of- well, it helps.

I was laying in bed this morning, half hoping and half dreading the phone ringing. Sunday mornings are a time for laying in bed, reading the news together, and snuggling down into a nest of ‘not right now’.

I had my head resting on Rick’s shoulder, pretending for just a minute that going back to sleep was an option (ha!). Bree decided she needed to show me she cared too- she crept up and laid her head down where my shoulder meets my neck and snuggled in.

I truly believe our pups know when we’re hurting and worried, and want to help us. Whatever today brings (and it’s been all good news so far), that’s the moment that I’m going to return to in my mind instead of lingering on the bad parts.

How are we? Coping with lots of love and support, and maybe a little snuffling and drool.

Random Rant- OK, let’s get uncomfortable.

It’s a weird fuckin time. And has been since 2020 first kicked off.

But this? Waking up and seeing protests in 30 cities last night… it feels more surreal than it has before. And I know, believe me, I know- I have lived life enjoying the benefits of being white and female. We have have a certain degree of caution that borders on fear, but mine is at a lower ebb.

I don’t have to turn on the news every other day and see some other person just like me who died just trying to live life. I can sit here and say but we’re all people and I don’t see myself as different or better than anyone else, but that is the barest sliver of the problem.

It’s not how I see the world, and I can’t excuse the life I’ve enjoyed so easily. It’s how the world sees people of color.

And yeah, I can sit and point at the root causes and contributing factors all damn day. It doesn’t help because I’m not in a position to effect change.

So, here I sit, without agency or power to help when I desperately want to.

Here’s what I can do- I can understand. And right now, I understand that this fury, this grief, despair, fear to the point of madness at what our society has become must be vented. And if that venting is on the buildings of the city that houses that society- I get it. Acceptable losses. That’s what insurance is for. And after that purge is done, there’s a chance for healing.

And if you want to tell me I’m delusional or stupid… I’m going to point out the fact that when a white guy felt like he needed to vent his frustration with race relations, George Floyd ended up dead this week, and that was the final spark on this powder keg of insanity we’ve been calling 2020.

Because it wasn’t just one act by one guy. There were two other guys helping him.

And how many raided Breonna’s home and killed her?

And how many chased down Ahmaud and shot him in the street?

Why is it so easy to find videos of white women screaming abuse at people of color? Telling them they are less than, threatening them?

This is where we are… and the complex mix of grief and guilt and shame that I feel today- it doesn’t help a goddamn thing.

So I do my best to understand, and to hope, and talk to those that do have the agency and the power to be a part of the solve.

I hope if you read this, that you’ll take some time to think it through, and find some understanding in yourself, too. And I hope it can lead to a call to your powers that be, a letter, a kindness. When you hear someone condemning the protesters, I hope you’ll speak up.

If your courage falters, and you feel yourself slipping into the path of least resistance, remember George and Breonna and Ahmaud… people who were just trying to live.

 

 

 

Random Ramble- Holy chao, we’re goin to audiobook

Awhile back, I did a giveaway for some of the books I’ve written. To me, I was doing my teensy tiny part to help out with people staying home during lockdown.

I got a bunch of response to it… even after the giveaway part was over. One of the coolest parts is that I was invited to consider turning my stuff into audiobooks to be sold on Audible.com and iTunes.

Well, this past weekend I decided to take the leap… I took a deep breath, I put The Witch’s Daughter up for auditions for audiobook readers, and held that breath awhile.

The recordings started coming in… and I cannot tell you how wonderful and strange and awful it was to ‘hear’ Nessa for the first time. I teared up at the end of each recording (where Nessa reveals her mother is missing) even if the voice wasn’t the Nessa I had in mind.

I couldn’t be objective about this- so I reached out to some folks, both readers and non readers, and got feedback on who they’d listen to for the 6ish hours of reading the first book will take, who absolutely could NOT be Nessa, and why.

What I haven’t told any of the readers yet is that if they can pull off Cliche, I’ll probably end up doing all three books with the same reader.

It’s been exciting and terrifying and a lot of things in between… and if all goes the way I hope it will, soon I’ll be able to say that From the Journals of Nessa Ysbelle will be available however you like to listen to audiobooks.

And that’s pretty damn cool.

Random Ramble- Meaning of the day

This will be rambly, and probably unpopular. It is what it is.

It’s Memorial Day, when the general idea is to remember the people who fought and sometimes gave their lives for our freedom. And I do remember them, especially the ones that touched my life personally.

It’s hard, though, not to think of current events. Because we Americans love nothing better than a cause to rally to, our government (and I mean both sides of the line) has cast the pandemic as a war against an invisible enemy.

Do you ever think about why they use that terminology so very carefully?

It’s because we all accept that war brings casualties. We accept that there will be heroes and there will be loss. We hear ‘war’, and we mentally steel ourselves for the martyrs to follow.

This is not acceptable. As I sit here writing this, close to 100,000 Americans have died, and they didn’t have to. What’s worse is that, as I sit here, writing this, there are protests going on across the country, led by people to whom those losses were acceptable and inevitable. They believe their freedoms are being violated by quarantine and the ask to wear a mask in public. And they believe that if more people need to die so that they can have ‘daily life’ back, it’s worth it.

Clearly, I don’t see eye to eye with those folks. And that is what it is- at the heart of it are the issues that continue to divide us- faith, economics, and clinging to things that should have been left in the past. I can’t fight all of that, and I don’t have the right to- one freedom I do hold to be inviolate is the right to think any way you want to.

It’s your actions that can and should be curtailed when they do harm to others.

Back to my central point, though- this is not a war. A virus isn’t interested in justice, and there’s no peace talks to pursue to end this. It is mindless. To keep calling the pandemic a war because it supposedly makes people band together is delusional.

And clearly, it’s also not working.

So how about we drop the bullshit rhetoric and look at the situation and our actions with a little more clarity? Not only does it do more honor to the people who have given their lives, it also puts control back in our hands to stop it from costing more lives.

And it also dishonors those who so deeply believed in the ideas of freedom, justice, and peace that they laid down their lives to achieve that goal- not for themselves, but for us all.

Happy Memorial Day. To those that gave their lives in war, I honor and salute you. To those that have had to die due to lack of PPE, awareness, and the ability to face the reality of our situation, I mourn for you and wish the powers that be had a better plan through this.

Plans for the weekend? I have ideas! (Yes, some free books go along with it)

I’ve posted a couple times about the Nessa novella I’ve been working on… and honestly, my plans for the weekend include holing up in my writing nook and putting in some serious time there while Rick puts in some serious time on the bathroom renovations.

And I got to thinking.. it’s a long weekend.. maybe folks would appreciate having something to read?

So, if you’re one of the folks that got a copy of The Witch’s Daughter when it was available for free, starting tomorrow you can pick up a free copy of the next book in the series- The Werewolf’s Daughter to go with it! And if you missed Book 1, well, I’ve got a heart, so I’m dropping the price to 2.99 for the weekend.

Living alone in the mountains of New Mexico, while Nessa Ysbelle has had her abilities confirmed beyond a doubt, that doesn’t seem to have solved her problems. Outcast from the only society she knew, Nessa wanders where he mother went missing, hoping beyond hope that she can bring her home.

I hope you’ll consider giving it a shot- and if it doesn’t sound like your kind of book, I hope you’ll consider sharing this post with someone who may enjoy it, and I’m deeply grateful for your support.

Random Ramble- Feelings.. nothing more than Feelings…

Gonna get real for a minute here… if you’re looking for my usual lighthearted or snarky posts, you may want to move on.

Like most folks, 2020 has really, really sucked. Major life changes, illness, illness of others, death, and general upheaval had already happened in our house before covid came into play.

You add that, and well, yeah.

Visualize mushroom cloud.

So what does an Ari person do there? Well, she puts head down and copes, as best she can. The difficult part about that is that with each new piece of nuts, I am also dealing with twin spurs of anxiety and depression. I don’t talk about these things much, because I was taught from a very early age that my feelings needed to be bagged up tidily and kept out of everyone’s way.

Why am I talking about it now? Well, in part, because of this-

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So it’s time to open up about how I’m coping, hoping it reaches someone who needs to see it and know they aren’t alone.

The mantra I try to keep in front of me is that these feelings can take me, but they don’t get to keep me- I cannot control them, but I can control how I react to them.

And this year… they’ve been bad. Like shingles, ulcer, insomnia for days level bad.

So how do I keep them from taking me?

By taking a page out of Ghandi’s book (not with the fasting, I’m not cut out for that) and being the change I want to see in the world. I think of ways to spark a little moment of joy, spread light and life, and generally help pick people up when and where I see they need it. I give my energy to those efforts and starve the energy to the feelings that are destructive.

I also try very hard to keep a series of routines that keep me healthy and feeling centered. Meditation, skin care, exercise, letting whole worlds play out in my head and getting them onto paper, time with Rick and our pups. I remind myself that there is beauty in every moment, if you just have the will to see it.

And, yeah, some days, I don’t make it. Some days all those vortexes of negativity and fear and doubt take me.

But I will be damned if I let them keep me.

Random conversation at Casa de Wellman- Deep realizations

Lately, there’s been a lot of talk about getting a new tub in the guest bathroom. The one that’s there is original to the house, which means 70’s, which means dinky, and generally old and busted. There’s also an old and busted faucet leak that wants fixing, so handling one means the rest can all get taken care of, too. Win win.

Ish. Rick has never done a plumbing project quite this big before. And I don’t really have either the time or the inclination to assist, what with those 57,000 other projects going on in the Arisphere.

So as he clicked ‘Buy’ on the amazing new whirlpool tub we picked, a musing came to me that led to this conversation.

 

Me- Now I know what it’s like for you when I say ‘I’m going to go write a book!’

Rick- How’s that?

Me- Well, I can’t really do anything to help except listen and give lots of ideas that may or may not be helpful and kind of cheer you on. And like you know you will get to read the book someday, I know I will get to soak in the tub!

Rick- Sounds about right. Except…

Me- Except what?

Rick- Well, not really… but was thinking when you write a book you know what you’re doing, but that’s not always true.

Me, laughing uproariously- oh my god, that is SO far from true!

 

Wishing Rick well on his tubly adventure, while I go back to mine.

Random Writing Thoughts- and a little bit of an announcement

Spring is here- and apparently, it’s an inspiring one.

Recently I was out in my little personal haven aka the courtyard of which I am extremely fond- and I thought, Ari.. I call myself Ari… it’s so peaceful and mellow here- why don’t you write out here?

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And you know.. I couldn’t think of a good reason why not…

… so I set up one little corner to be my writing nook.

And I woke up this morning (as one tends to do), and went out to water all my plants. The honeysuckle was all abloom and the sun was warm and there was a nice soft breeze.. and I thought.. Ari, why don’t you write out here right now?

So I did.

And I wrote more in one sitting than I have in quite a while. Well enough that I think I’ve got a whole novella going here, one that I think will make some of my readers super happy.

You see, what I’m beating around all the bushes to tell you is this- there’s going to be a continuation of Nessa’s story. I thought I’d said all I had to say about her, but it turns out I haven’t. My early readers tell me I’m on the right track, and I’m feeling very good about saying something that needs to be said as opposed to just milking a character because it’s easy.

So, sometime this year there will be a new Nessa story available.

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And because I’m feeling just so disgustingly pleased with it.. I’m going to share the first little bit. Please bear in mind, this is a draft, and if you haven’t read through all of Nessa’s adventures to date, spoilers ahead.

Hope you enjoy it- and the rest of the tale once I’m ready to sign, seal, and deliver.

 

 


 

 

 

There’s things that I wish I had been told about the mystical, unimaginable state of being a grown up. 

 

Some of them are fairly prosaic, about always reading all the fine print. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Vampires are charming, but that’s because, like everyone else, they need to eat. Never make a significant purchase at a county fair. If the service is free, then you’re the product. There’s no such thing as a free lunch (though, come to think of it, that’s kind of going back to the vampires again.)

 

And if  an extremely powerful entity makes a deal with you, they ain’t doing it for the warm fuzzies.

 

That’s what I kept telling myself through a miserably rainy week in Pennsylvania as I served as the Queen of Love and Beauty at a medieval festival.

 

Now, at the time, I desperately needed the assistance and protection of someone much more powerful than the adversaries I was up against. and they needed me. But you see, I missed that fine print part of things- my cooperation extended far beyond the crisis.

 

How far beyond?

 

It’s been more than ten years since I agreed to serve as the manifestation of the Maiden on this plane of existence. To be fair, ninety nine days out of a hundred, I go about my own business, living my own life. The youngest aspect of the goddess, to give her full credit. definitely pulls her weight around here. As I’ve run into my counterparts, as one does from time to time, they have expressed a certain wistfulness for life before (or after) their duties have run their course. Or maybe the world we live in already does a solid enough job of worshipping youth, so that the Mother and Crone aspects need a little extra oomph to be appreciated.

 

And let me be super clear about this- I’m no more or less pretty to look at than the next hundred girls you’ll see passing you on the street. If I have learned anything through my years of service, it’s that all of the glamours of the Maiden- the exuberance, tenderness, innocence, passion, hope, and joy- every woman I’ve ever met and will never meet can embody each face of them at will. As easily as she remembers a first love, or just being young and alive, the Maiden’s blessing is upon them all.

 

In case you missed it- that was literally me saying that every woman is beautiful, it’s all in how she uses her power to see herself. And then to project it.

 

So for ten years now, ninety nine days out of the hundred, life is a little cabin in the woods, nestled in the Jemez of New Mexico. I’d give you the address, but it’s really hard to find and we don’t exactly welcome visitors anyway. Over the years, our little spread has grown, through opportunities to acquire other land parcels, and need to provide housing for the apprentices that have come.

 

For come they have, in a steady stream. Ranging from early teens to full blown adults, empaths have come from all the corners of the map for what I could teach them. I have been told that, in magickal ability terms, I am something of  a genius, and that I could be using my abilities to break all the barriers and delve deeper into the psyches of men and the others that cross into this world.

 

I don’t think I have that right. The poet said the grave is a fine and private place- well, I think it’s the mind that should be private. I had and have no desire to be anyone’s weapon or tool. I could even temper what it is I teach to my students, keeping them from knowing of the subtler ways of working around someone’s will. But I prefer to teach the theory, and let them wrestle with their own decisions from a moral perspective. Most of the people that come to me are looking for peace from the steady beat of the fears and demands of other minds against their own, and so the topic never moves even into the academic realm.

 

Less common are Luke’s students. Sometimes they are angels, sometimes demons, or those that got in their way. Over the years, I’ve gotten to the point that I rarely bother to ask- in the end, if they got here following Luke’s star, they all need the same care. At times, they’ve feared humans entirely, andI’m not ashamed to say that I have drawn on all my skills as an empath as well as the gifts of the Maiden herself to exude the qualities of peace, gentleness, and innocence.

 

They come around. Luke shows them the world in small doses, then gets them hooked on pizza rolls, Star Wars, and creamy peanut butter.

 

Then I subvert them with crunchy peanut butter. We each win about half of those gentle battles for the souls of our guests, and feel deep down that each of us is one hundred percent in the right.

 

When Luke doesn’t have someone in residence, he busies himself by playing our caretaker. All of the cabins now have running water and solar power, though the power installation came along with a few instances that made me glad Luke isn’t exactly a normal person.

 

Once his hair grew back, I quit lecturing him and gracefully let the matter drop.

 

One of the other effects of his status has led to an exorbitant amount of money being spent on dog and cat food. To be fair, it’s probably also one of the reasons Luke and I are Luke and I- as a remnant of his unusual origins, he exudes an aura of peace and calm and a kind of rightness with all things in the world. It’s singularly soothing company for an empath.

 

And every stray for twenty miles ends up on our doorstep, wanting nothing more than to bask in the comforts of being around Luke. For his part, Luke lavishes them with love and affection, letting them follow at heels wherever he goes. By some agency known to him alone, none of them fight or come to harm under his care. Sometimes, they are genuinely lost, and we make sure they find their way home. Most of them end up staying.

 

There is one exception- a cranky corgi that I suspect was someone’s familiar at one point. Casey has adopted me and reminds me that while my name may be on the deed, she’s the one in charge at our house. She accompanies me, with a long suffering sigh, as I walk with the apprentices in the woods, imparting lessons that I walk on the tightrope hoping are right and good for them. 

 

And on the nights when the full moon calls, Casey throws aside all her dignity and pelts alongside me while we race through the darkness.

 

When I end up on these little jaunts, Casey has a pattern. If I’m only gone for a day, I must endure her enthusiastic inspection and overly exuberant snuggles when I get home. Two to three days and something personal to me gets shredded. Any longer than that, and I get an equal amount of time of the silent treatment. No, I don’t know how she can tell time. 

Actual Conversation at Casa de Wellman- GI Joe was right and sleep is important

So yesterday, Mr. Wellman came padding into my office very urgently in his stocking feet.

I want you to understand how very unusual this is- unless he’s in bed this man has shoes on… so I knew I needed to push pause on anything else that was going on and see what revelation he had for me.

Rick pointed at his shirt.. this shirt.

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Me, looking at him blankly- Uh huh?

Rick- Just goes to show, even then, GI Joe knew! He was trying to prepare us for 2020! Except maybe for number two.

 

You know, he’s not wrong.

 

Last night was not a great sleep night… either my dinner or the cheap ass tequila I slugged down with it did NOT agree with me, and I found myself awake at 1am. Sometimes when my stomach goes acid, it helps to sit up awhile, so I tried that. And then laid back down.

Stomach said, No Bitch.

With a sigh, and not wanting to keep Rick up by arguing with my stomach about if I was allowed to lay down or not, I went into my office and semi reclined and went back to sleep.

This morning, I filled Rick in.

 

Rick- Aw, I didn’t know you were worried about me getting enough sleep!

Me- Well yeah, you have problems if you don’t get enough sleep. You get grumpy.

Rick, muttering- You know, most people get grumpy if they don’t get enough sleep.

Me- Yes, and when you’re grumpy you don’t have the patience that transforms the annoyingness that is me into whimsical magic!

Rick looks skeptical.

Me, fluttering hands- Whimsical. Magic.