Random Ramble- Feelings.. nothing more than Feelings…

Gonna get real for a minute here… if you’re looking for my usual lighthearted or snarky posts, you may want to move on.

Like most folks, 2020 has really, really sucked. Major life changes, illness, illness of others, death, and general upheaval had already happened in our house before covid came into play.

You add that, and well, yeah.

Visualize mushroom cloud.

So what does an Ari person do there? Well, she puts head down and copes, as best she can. The difficult part about that is that with each new piece of nuts, I am also dealing with twin spurs of anxiety and depression. I don’t talk about these things much, because I was taught from a very early age that my feelings needed to be bagged up tidily and kept out of everyone’s way.

Why am I talking about it now? Well, in part, because of this-

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So it’s time to open up about how I’m coping, hoping it reaches someone who needs to see it and know they aren’t alone.

The mantra I try to keep in front of me is that these feelings can take me, but they don’t get to keep me- I cannot control them, but I can control how I react to them.

And this year… they’ve been bad. Like shingles, ulcer, insomnia for days level bad.

So how do I keep them from taking me?

By taking a page out of Ghandi’s book (not with the fasting, I’m not cut out for that) and being the change I want to see in the world. I think of ways to spark a little moment of joy, spread light and life, and generally help pick people up when and where I see they need it. I give my energy to those efforts and starve the energy to the feelings that are destructive.

I also try very hard to keep a series of routines that keep me healthy and feeling centered. Meditation, skin care, exercise, letting whole worlds play out in my head and getting them onto paper, time with Rick and our pups. I remind myself that there is beauty in every moment, if you just have the will to see it.

And, yeah, some days, I don’t make it. Some days all those vortexes of negativity and fear and doubt take me.

But I will be damned if I let them keep me.

Random conversation at Casa de Wellman- Deep realizations

Lately, there’s been a lot of talk about getting a new tub in the guest bathroom. The one that’s there is original to the house, which means 70’s, which means dinky, and generally old and busted. There’s also an old and busted faucet leak that wants fixing, so handling one means the rest can all get taken care of, too. Win win.

Ish. Rick has never done a plumbing project quite this big before. And I don’t really have either the time or the inclination to assist, what with those 57,000 other projects going on in the Arisphere.

So as he clicked ‘Buy’ on the amazing new whirlpool tub we picked, a musing came to me that led to this conversation.

 

Me- Now I know what it’s like for you when I say ‘I’m going to go write a book!’

Rick- How’s that?

Me- Well, I can’t really do anything to help except listen and give lots of ideas that may or may not be helpful and kind of cheer you on. And like you know you will get to read the book someday, I know I will get to soak in the tub!

Rick- Sounds about right. Except…

Me- Except what?

Rick- Well, not really… but was thinking when you write a book you know what you’re doing, but that’s not always true.

Me, laughing uproariously- oh my god, that is SO far from true!

 

Wishing Rick well on his tubly adventure, while I go back to mine.

Random Writing Thoughts- and a little bit of an announcement

Spring is here- and apparently, it’s an inspiring one.

Recently I was out in my little personal haven aka the courtyard of which I am extremely fond- and I thought, Ari.. I call myself Ari… it’s so peaceful and mellow here- why don’t you write out here?

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And you know.. I couldn’t think of a good reason why not…

… so I set up one little corner to be my writing nook.

And I woke up this morning (as one tends to do), and went out to water all my plants. The honeysuckle was all abloom and the sun was warm and there was a nice soft breeze.. and I thought.. Ari, why don’t you write out here right now?

So I did.

And I wrote more in one sitting than I have in quite a while. Well enough that I think I’ve got a whole novella going here, one that I think will make some of my readers super happy.

You see, what I’m beating around all the bushes to tell you is this- there’s going to be a continuation of Nessa’s story. I thought I’d said all I had to say about her, but it turns out I haven’t. My early readers tell me I’m on the right track, and I’m feeling very good about saying something that needs to be said as opposed to just milking a character because it’s easy.

So, sometime this year there will be a new Nessa story available.

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And because I’m feeling just so disgustingly pleased with it.. I’m going to share the first little bit. Please bear in mind, this is a draft, and if you haven’t read through all of Nessa’s adventures to date, spoilers ahead.

Hope you enjoy it- and the rest of the tale once I’m ready to sign, seal, and deliver.

 

 


 

 

 

There’s things that I wish I had been told about the mystical, unimaginable state of being a grown up. 

 

Some of them are fairly prosaic, about always reading all the fine print. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Vampires are charming, but that’s because, like everyone else, they need to eat. Never make a significant purchase at a county fair. If the service is free, then you’re the product. There’s no such thing as a free lunch (though, come to think of it, that’s kind of going back to the vampires again.)

 

And if  an extremely powerful entity makes a deal with you, they ain’t doing it for the warm fuzzies.

 

That’s what I kept telling myself through a miserably rainy week in Pennsylvania as I served as the Queen of Love and Beauty at a medieval festival.

 

Now, at the time, I desperately needed the assistance and protection of someone much more powerful than the adversaries I was up against. and they needed me. But you see, I missed that fine print part of things- my cooperation extended far beyond the crisis.

 

How far beyond?

 

It’s been more than ten years since I agreed to serve as the manifestation of the Maiden on this plane of existence. To be fair, ninety nine days out of a hundred, I go about my own business, living my own life. The youngest aspect of the goddess, to give her full credit. definitely pulls her weight around here. As I’ve run into my counterparts, as one does from time to time, they have expressed a certain wistfulness for life before (or after) their duties have run their course. Or maybe the world we live in already does a solid enough job of worshipping youth, so that the Mother and Crone aspects need a little extra oomph to be appreciated.

 

And let me be super clear about this- I’m no more or less pretty to look at than the next hundred girls you’ll see passing you on the street. If I have learned anything through my years of service, it’s that all of the glamours of the Maiden- the exuberance, tenderness, innocence, passion, hope, and joy- every woman I’ve ever met and will never meet can embody each face of them at will. As easily as she remembers a first love, or just being young and alive, the Maiden’s blessing is upon them all.

 

In case you missed it- that was literally me saying that every woman is beautiful, it’s all in how she uses her power to see herself. And then to project it.

 

So for ten years now, ninety nine days out of the hundred, life is a little cabin in the woods, nestled in the Jemez of New Mexico. I’d give you the address, but it’s really hard to find and we don’t exactly welcome visitors anyway. Over the years, our little spread has grown, through opportunities to acquire other land parcels, and need to provide housing for the apprentices that have come.

 

For come they have, in a steady stream. Ranging from early teens to full blown adults, empaths have come from all the corners of the map for what I could teach them. I have been told that, in magickal ability terms, I am something of  a genius, and that I could be using my abilities to break all the barriers and delve deeper into the psyches of men and the others that cross into this world.

 

I don’t think I have that right. The poet said the grave is a fine and private place- well, I think it’s the mind that should be private. I had and have no desire to be anyone’s weapon or tool. I could even temper what it is I teach to my students, keeping them from knowing of the subtler ways of working around someone’s will. But I prefer to teach the theory, and let them wrestle with their own decisions from a moral perspective. Most of the people that come to me are looking for peace from the steady beat of the fears and demands of other minds against their own, and so the topic never moves even into the academic realm.

 

Less common are Luke’s students. Sometimes they are angels, sometimes demons, or those that got in their way. Over the years, I’ve gotten to the point that I rarely bother to ask- in the end, if they got here following Luke’s star, they all need the same care. At times, they’ve feared humans entirely, andI’m not ashamed to say that I have drawn on all my skills as an empath as well as the gifts of the Maiden herself to exude the qualities of peace, gentleness, and innocence.

 

They come around. Luke shows them the world in small doses, then gets them hooked on pizza rolls, Star Wars, and creamy peanut butter.

 

Then I subvert them with crunchy peanut butter. We each win about half of those gentle battles for the souls of our guests, and feel deep down that each of us is one hundred percent in the right.

 

When Luke doesn’t have someone in residence, he busies himself by playing our caretaker. All of the cabins now have running water and solar power, though the power installation came along with a few instances that made me glad Luke isn’t exactly a normal person.

 

Once his hair grew back, I quit lecturing him and gracefully let the matter drop.

 

One of the other effects of his status has led to an exorbitant amount of money being spent on dog and cat food. To be fair, it’s probably also one of the reasons Luke and I are Luke and I- as a remnant of his unusual origins, he exudes an aura of peace and calm and a kind of rightness with all things in the world. It’s singularly soothing company for an empath.

 

And every stray for twenty miles ends up on our doorstep, wanting nothing more than to bask in the comforts of being around Luke. For his part, Luke lavishes them with love and affection, letting them follow at heels wherever he goes. By some agency known to him alone, none of them fight or come to harm under his care. Sometimes, they are genuinely lost, and we make sure they find their way home. Most of them end up staying.

 

There is one exception- a cranky corgi that I suspect was someone’s familiar at one point. Casey has adopted me and reminds me that while my name may be on the deed, she’s the one in charge at our house. She accompanies me, with a long suffering sigh, as I walk with the apprentices in the woods, imparting lessons that I walk on the tightrope hoping are right and good for them. 

 

And on the nights when the full moon calls, Casey throws aside all her dignity and pelts alongside me while we race through the darkness.

 

When I end up on these little jaunts, Casey has a pattern. If I’m only gone for a day, I must endure her enthusiastic inspection and overly exuberant snuggles when I get home. Two to three days and something personal to me gets shredded. Any longer than that, and I get an equal amount of time of the silent treatment. No, I don’t know how she can tell time. 

Actual Conversation at Casa de Wellman- GI Joe was right and sleep is important

So yesterday, Mr. Wellman came padding into my office very urgently in his stocking feet.

I want you to understand how very unusual this is- unless he’s in bed this man has shoes on… so I knew I needed to push pause on anything else that was going on and see what revelation he had for me.

Rick pointed at his shirt.. this shirt.

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Me, looking at him blankly- Uh huh?

Rick- Just goes to show, even then, GI Joe knew! He was trying to prepare us for 2020! Except maybe for number two.

 

You know, he’s not wrong.

 

Last night was not a great sleep night… either my dinner or the cheap ass tequila I slugged down with it did NOT agree with me, and I found myself awake at 1am. Sometimes when my stomach goes acid, it helps to sit up awhile, so I tried that. And then laid back down.

Stomach said, No Bitch.

With a sigh, and not wanting to keep Rick up by arguing with my stomach about if I was allowed to lay down or not, I went into my office and semi reclined and went back to sleep.

This morning, I filled Rick in.

 

Rick- Aw, I didn’t know you were worried about me getting enough sleep!

Me- Well yeah, you have problems if you don’t get enough sleep. You get grumpy.

Rick, muttering- You know, most people get grumpy if they don’t get enough sleep.

Me- Yes, and when you’re grumpy you don’t have the patience that transforms the annoyingness that is me into whimsical magic!

Rick looks skeptical.

Me, fluttering hands- Whimsical. Magic.

Actual Conversation at Casa de Wellman- Covering it all

We’ve had one of those annoying spring snowstorms sweep through of late, and the nights have been.. well, really chilly.

Last night, Rick was coming to bed, when he stopped to straighten the covers, coincidentally giving me a lot more coverage.

Rick, as he rearranges blankies- Geeze, you’ll get cold like that!

Me- Yeah, it’s been like that the last couple nights.

Rick- I know I didn’t have enough sheet on my side of the bed, but you had no covers at all!

Me- Why do you think I kept moving into the center of the bed? At least then I’d have enough covers!

Rick, raising an eyebrow at me and waiting.

Me- Oh and um, to cuddle with you, of course!

Rick- Uh huh. I see.

 

Open mouth, insert clammy cold feet.

Not So Random Rant- Rona Blues

You know, I’m all about going your own way, having your own thoughts, walking your own path- and I’m aware that tend to have some pretty crazy ideas about how I want to live my life.

And I get really annoyed when someone tries to tell me I’m doing it wrong.

When it comes to not wanting to do the things just because it’s what you are told, I get it, I get it, I get it.

All that said, now is not the time to be playing ‘let’s fight the man’ and ‘fake news’ and ‘the govmint is treating us like sheep’. I know it can be hard to see in parts of the country that don’t have a whole lot of exposure to more populated areas, and the only impact you feel is the one to the economy. It’s hard to give a shit about people 3,000 miles away who are sick when you know of 300 people around you that are losing businesses, not able to make rent, and having to go to the food bank. To them, it is wrong for the government to control so much, and we are stupid to go along with it- because the more immediate danger and pain is the one right in front of them, not the horrors that they haven’t seen and can barely conceive of. They need to believe that there’s an end in sight, that the danger has been overstated, that we can return to business as usual very soon- even though that is absolutely not what the data and facts are telling us.

But let’s be real here for a second- when it comes to these folks writing their anti government/corona is a hoax rhetoric, exhorting you to think for yourself- the real message is ‘Think for yourself, as long as you think like me.’

And it’s dangerous. Because not all of this country is a small town with limited exposure to more populated areas. We might wish it was, but it’s not. Just like we could wish that the dangers of covid19 were overstated, but they are not. And after 6 weeks of isolation, if I had acted in fear when it came to that decision, sheer boredom would have worn out that fear by now.

So please… if you see one of these rants, check the facts and consider NOT passing it on. Snopes has been around for a very long time, debunking as fast as they can, as thoroughly as they can.

And you don’t have to agree with me… not at all. I just hope that you place value on human life and sacrifice to the point where you can’t conceive of risking lives because you’re tired of waiting this thing out. There is light at the end of that tunnel. And if you need help, reach out… there’s tons of helping hands, including my own.

I want to keep hanging out on this big blue marble, and I want you to be here, too.

 

Actual conversation at Casa de Wellman- What’s for dinner never to be asked again edition (includes helpful lifehack!)

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So- I had me an idea on how to end the discussion forever and ever amen. I have a nice stainless steel fridge.. and I had a dry erase marker. So I put this list up on the fridge of things I could conceivably cook with the contents therein.

 

Rick, walking up and observing as I was not even halfway done with the list, points at tacos.

Me, smacks his hand- NO! I’m not done with the list yet! Wait until the whole list is up there, dammit!

Rick- Did you see if it washes off?

Me, momentarily stricken- Uh no. But it’s fine, this is just what you’re having for dinner forever, that’s all.

We both busted out laughing. I finished the list, then made sure it would wipe off and sighed with relief when it did.

Me- So there. We never have to have that conversation again, I’ll just update the list when shopping happens and WE’RE DONE. NO MORE. THOSE ARE THE OPTIONS!!!

I put the pen on the counter with a thud of finality and headed back down the hall to the office, visions of angry monkey pointing at the list whenever Rick inevitably stood in the kitchen to ask what’s for food dancing in my head. Angrily.

Rick, still staring at the list and pointing at tacos- Well, not quite.

Me- What do you mean?! The whole list, its RIGHT THERE.

Rick- Yeah, until you don’t feel like cooking.

Me- when I get better pens, we’ll talk about that! For now, that’s your list!!!

 

The better pens are on order from Amazon.

 

Actual Conversation at Casa de Wellman- Where’s my dinner, woman? edition

There’s a certain ritual that ensues here at the casa… and it happens, well, not every night, but pretty damn close.

Tonight, the bloody man threw me a curveball I didn’t appreciate.

 

Rick- So, what are we doing about the food situation?

Me, sighing- What, already?

Rick- It’s five o’clock, we last ate at 11am.

Me- so what do you want? (Just knowing that the next question will be ‘what are my options?’

Rick, distracted by text message from Home Despot, we talk about order pickup for a few minutes before circling back.

Rick- you know what I’m going to ask.

Me- ANYTHING YOU WANT TO PUT IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH HOLE, SIR!

Rick, blinking mildly- I was going to ask if you wanted to cook or order something.

Me- That’s not fair! That’s cheating! You switched it up on me! That’s not okay!

Cue the inevitable hysterical laughter before we order a pizza.

We really need the lockdown to be over. We entertain ourselves waaaaaay too well.

 

Actual conversation at Casa de Wellman- when our tech is smarter than us edition

Thanks to covid or the rona or the effects of Sweet Potato Hitler’s stupidity, however you like to phrase it, we’ve been puttering around on our little projects over the past few weeks. Lucky me, I’m high risk, so I’ve been in my home or, on two memorable occasions in Rick’s truck for a month now.

When we bought this place, I was charmed by the idea that I, Ari Wellman, had a courtyard. It sounded so classy and I wondered whatever we should do with the space to really make it special.

Well, for about 8 years, absofreakinlutely nothing. There are planter cutouts in the middle, and occasionally I’d try playing something in them to see if it took. Roses didn’t, mint and morning glories did.

The problem with sitting there in the summertime was that there was no shade.. and all fully enclosed concrete walled space in summer in New Mexico without shade.. bah HA to using that brick oven to sit in and sip wine after April 1. So it kind of became a dumping ground for anything that probably should have gone to the trash or the garage but just wasn’t.

A couple of years ago, I decided this wasn’t going to get it. I bought a pair of pergolas, one to go on each side of the walkway, some basic furniture, and decreed that we would by god USE the courtyard. I even got a gate for the front so our pups could come hang out with us.

The next year, I added a container garden and a fire pit. And don’t get me wrong, it’s nice… but there was still just something missing.

I know some of you are going, omfg Ari, could you get to the funny little chat with Rick and stahhhp.

No, I can’t. This is my courtyard and I love it.

So I sat and thought for awhile- part of the problem was that there was too much blank, tan canvas at eye level.. needed to break that up. Not enough greenery, needed to get more container stuff, but in a way it was at eye level instead of ground level.

And I wanted to do something whimsical with light.

OK, cue tapestry hangings to break up all the tan on the walls, a new planter with a trellis for the english ivy to climb, a repurposed plant stand to sit in the corner, and a few small pieces of dragon statuary, cause fuck, this is MY courtyard, right?

I figured all of this would create more of a lush Aladdin’s cave garden feel to it, so why not have some magical floating lights? I tried hanging some battery powered Mason jar lights and really liked the effect- but I’m lazy so I wanted something more automated and energy efficient.

Cue me buying up a bunch of fairy light solar inserts for Mason jars with little metal hangers. And me turning each one on only to find they only lit up for a split second, if at all.

Me- WTF is this? I wasted my money, none of these are staying lit.

Rick- the wires seem pretty flimsy and thin.. could it be a break?

Me- don’t think I won’t get a voltmeter and check.

Rick, possibly not wanting me into his tool set, but still snickering- maybe they just need to charge up.

 

OK, fiiiine. I spread all the little lids out on the table in the sun to soak up all that power up juice and went back to them yesterday evening.

 

Me- they still aren’t freaking lighting. Grab me a regular triple A, would you?

Rick- they definitely got enough sun!

Me- and it won’t even light up with the triple A! OMG, I’ve wasted money and a bunch of time on these bitchly things. /puts down jar on the table with a sigh, goes back to other errands, like using a shop vac to clean the stone.

 

After dark-

Rick- Uh.. they are all lit up now

Me- WHAT?!

We both stood in the doorway and stared as every jar we’d put together was twinkling at us merrily.

 

Rick- Oh my god… they are smart enough to only light up when it’s dark.

Me- so the few that lit for a second-

Rick- your hand must have been over the sensor, so it thought it was dark.

Me- well. shit. We have 8 more jars to do, then.

Rick- it’s a bitch when the tech is smarter than we are.

And, being us, we got to the point of laughing at ourselves over it.

 

This morning, I caught Rick sitting down to the computer with the manual to the new washer in it.

 

Me- what are you up to?

Rick- figuring out how to use the new washer- did you know it weighs each load to insure the appropriate wash time?

Me- oh hell.. you’re never going to know when the washer is done! Wait, isn’t that the one that has bluetooth?

Rick, nodding- yeah, it’ll tell me when it’s done, I think. I haven’t gotten to that part yet. It’s usually the dryer I time by anyway.

Me- soooo.. I need to get you a smarter dryer…

Rick, muttering something about stupid smart tech.

 

So yeah, don’t worry about us, we’re doing okay and finding out just how smart we’re not… cause sometimes we’re the better idiot that this stuff was built to outwit.

Actual conversation at Casa de Wellman- the rum is muthableepin gone, yall edition

Not only IS the rum gone, but it’s actually been gone for awhile. The only beer in the fridge is Bud Light (/herk), the liquor in the cabinets is either the really high end stuff we keep on hand for select guests or those spur of the moment purchases that weren’t that great an idea after all. Generic limoncello is just not okay.

Even the last jar of ‘shine is down to the dregs. It’s scary times, yall.

So while I was sitting on the couch, mulling this predicament, it occurred to me to wonder if Total Wine did curbside pickup.

And it turns out they do! they do do curbside pickup!

Feverishly, I begin inputting my order on my phone- I had to hit a five o clock deadline to get it tomorrow, and who knows? Maybe if I really hurried I could lie in the sweet arms of Bacchus tonight?!

Me- I GOT WINE! AND RUM! AND MARGARITAS!

Rick- I still haven’t agreed to do this pick up for you, you know.

Me, eyeing Rick with laser focused attention and cold calculation- You know what they say, dear. Happy wife, happy life.

Rick- /sigh

 

And ladies and gents… not even an hour later, that sweetest of sounds came to my ears.

 

Rick- I got a text, your order is ready for pickup.

Me, batting lashes- I love you…

Rick- /sigh I’m going, I’m going.

 

He’s a smart, smart man that Rick of mine.