Yeah, this is gonna be one of THOSE posts. If you’re here for the quirky banter between myself and the mister or news about when the new book may finally be done, yeah, this ain’t the post with that.

I have anxiety and depression. I know, what a shock, right? Intrusive thoughts that won’t be put away in their boxes, and then pile on what we’ve just all been through with our different experiences at different levels, and yeah, you could say there’s always a low grade fear pulse running through my brain. No bigs, just a little live wire that when it sways in the breeze and connects to something else, throws a little spark here and there, just for fun.

I don’t think I’m a planner by inclination, I think it’s one of my coping mechanisms for the anxiety. Here, let me give an example-

Normal person brain- I will go to the store today and pick up the groceries for dinner this week.

Ari brain- OK, so I *need* to go to the store cause I’m a terrible spouse for ordering out all the time, which is so grossly expensive. But, just in case the truck decides not to run (no, it’s not an unreliable vehicle in any sense), I’m going to wait til Rick is due to get off work so just in case I won’t have to sit in the parking lot too long or talk to strangers. Oh, I also should take a cold bag in case I buy anything frozen so it won’t defrost just in case Rick has to pick me up. That won’t give me much time to cook dinner, though, so I guess I’ll need to order. And let me check my account balance, just in case something came in that I don’t know about. And while I’m shopping I need to remember to estimate what I’m spending, just in case. Then nothing will surprise me cause, hey, I already checked out all the potential pitfalls, go me.

And then I’m legitimately shocked that I no longer have the will or energy to go to the store, but I do so anyway, with those three little words hovering like a cloud over my head.

Anxiety can turn you into your own personal doomsday scenario screenwriter. Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich ain’t got shit on me, babe.

Where I have my darkest laughs is how even my little worst case scenario prepper can’t even see how bad shit can get. Of the folk I’ve lost, never in my worst moments did I think those situations would go that way. Chaos is always an element that can’t be planned for or around, and sometimes you only really understand how terrible something was when it’s in your rearview mirror. Oh hey, feed for the fear wire! Well, that’s great, cause you never want it to starve to death or anything.

Right now, the tangles of just in cases in my mind are especially bad, and the little screenwriter has been working overtime. I can’t point to one definite cause, I just know I have shingles pain, I can’t sleep even medicated, and I have a hard keeping myself in a moment, even when they are moments I’ve waited for and want to enjoy.

So I took a week away from the ever fascinating day job to actually wind down and relax into self care. I have writing to do, games to play, and things to do.

I’m starting each day with my mantras-

1. I am safe in my home, the space love created. There is no shouting, no hitting, no drama, because this is my safe space.
2. People care about me, I am not alone.
3. No one hates me or wants to hurt me, sometimes things happen because they happen, and I have people around me who care to help me get through it.
4. I’m not a terrible person, and I’m closer to who I’ve wanted to be than I’ve ever been. If that isn’t a great person, that’s okay, it’s me and that’s all I want.
5. I can be honest about what I’m feeling; talking/writing about it isn’t me trying to make my irrational feelings someone else’s problem to fix.

Cause it’s time for the thoughts to go back in their boxes. So I’ll say these things over and over again, while resting, while NOT being negative, while NOT believing I have to come up with all the perfect answers for a lot of things that have never and will never happen.

Cause it’s just too exhausting and I need some insulation around that damned wire.

If you made it all the way through this, thanks for reading. I really hope you don’t have to feel this.. and if you know someone who does, I hope it gave you some insight on how it feels.