So, it’s May the Fourth eve… and Rick and I are headed to a trivia competition tomorrow that’s going to cover the movies and the shows. We’ve been studying up, taking every YouTube quiz we could find, and yes, rewatching movies.

And, sigh, tonight we had to watch the prequels that we more or less politely ignore. Gritting teeth, we started with Attack of the Clones (not even to bone up for trivia will I watch Phantom Menace on purpose).

We talked all through it about new insights that came up. Yes, the dialogue is awkward AF. Like Anakin had never flirted with a girl before.

You know, cause he hadn’t.

In fact, watching it again, it struck me how horrible Obi Wan really was to Anakin. He wasn’t allowed to make mistakes. He definitely was never allowed to just be a kid. The grief that Obi Wan felt at losing his mentor, he punished Anakin with, forcing him to be worth Qui Gon’s sacrifice. Anything that was outside of that perfect mold was up for criticism if not straight up quashed.

It’s understandable, human to the core, and helped me grind my teeth at the flat repartee less. A little, anyway.

And Padme’s got a similar.. like she, too, had never been allowed to be young… maybe because she was persuing a political career before she had her first period. She knows how to be a diplomat, but she doesn’t know how to navigate the territory of adult emotions, is it so shocking she gets everything wrong, then figures in for a penny, in for a pound and commits to it?

Granted, I don’t give full credit to Lucas for being this intuitive about adolescent emotions in adults. I think he lucked out.

And maybe it won’t be several years before the next viewing- but Obi Wan suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

I do my best to be kind and understanding and to find reasons to hope rather than despair. It’s been a year since we knew Roe v Wade would be overturned, and in that year, things have gotten genuinely scary.

It’s funny, during the two years of the pandemic, I thought it would be a relief to be able to be among people again.

It’s not.

I keep thinking about what we learned in the past few years- and what we lost. It seems like some people used the quiet bubble time to reflect on being better people, do all the things they said they should take time to do while they had time. And other folks… well, hardened. Maybe cause of distance, and the constant fear of who would get sick next. Fear of having to make a living in a way that you knew could cost your life or the lives of those you loved. I keep thinking about what words we could possibly leave behind so folks could really understand what it was like- stuck in our homes, watching the daily updates and feeling so damned powerless to do anything real to help.

(Kinda wide ranging here, aren’t you? Are you getting to a point? Of course I am, I always do, Faith.)

I remember being so afraid for my people… my family, my family by choice, everyone I’d ever met and never met. Crying for fear was an almost daily occurrence, my nerves were raw and shot while I tried so damn hard to just keep on moving through each day, hoping the next day would bring better numbers.

When I tell you I understand the people that started building thick shells, who lost the empathy for others, I truly do. There was a time when I was that person, and I hated myself more than anyone else. I couldn’t stand to go back to being that person, so I cried. I prayed. I hoped. And I hung on to the moments of peace and contentment I could find.

I truly believe that we are where we are now due to that amputated limb of empathy. For a lot of folk, when they aren’t directly impacted, closing their eyes to pain is the true new normal. Whether it’s a mass shooting, children unable to be who they are, women forced to carry non viable pregnancies to term- it all becomes the new normal.

Somewhere along the way we lost the idea of everyone finding their own path to peace and happiness. And it seems like if folks found a path that isn’t the straight married people with 2.5 straight kids, reasonably prosperous regular jobs, and a big enough house, then they can’t possibly be happy. Must follow the life script, must be like everyone else.

The animosity towards the folk that dare to be happy following a different script is heating up. Animosity towards women is heating up. In the past week, I’ve seen comments about ending women’s suffrage, how you aren’t fulfilled as a person if you’re a woman who has no children, that women don’t exist on the internet.

The comments don’t disgust me as much as the fact that I saw no voices raised against them.

And here I am, back in the pandemic mindset, only now there is no end in sight. The disease that has taken over the population is hardness and hate that blast out in so many directions that you don’t know that there is anything at all real you can do to help. It’s wanton and corrosive and the carriers look like everyone else.

It hurts. It hurts to see people carry around hate for themselves, for women, for people that don’t think the same. More and more it feels like this is the real pandemic, and I don’t see the end.

I only know one way to cope- and it’s not by fighting. I’m deeply tired of how everything we don’t like we put into terms of conflict. We declare war on drugs, on poverty, on whatthefuckever. No one wins wars.

So I will hope. And I will keep trying to be the best person I can be, no matter if I have to give up from time to time, that’s okay. I forgive me for that, and I know every day is a new chance to try again. I will let my people know what they mean to me, hold them close and precious in my heart. I will guard that which brings me joy and contentment and I don’t give a flying fuck who doesn’t like it.

It’s the only way I know, and I found it way too late in life to give it up.

I’ve been slacking a little bit what with all the other parts of life going on, and I owe yall an update.

https://wordpress.com/post/curiousreadings.com/1517

So, first things first. I did get my money back. And I received the product for free the next week, with the heavy suggestion that I remove the post. Yeah, I’m not going to do that.

I pushed back and asked what had caused the situation in the first place, and got a line about supply issues. I pointed out that they continued to push ads like crazy, and wasn’t it a little disingenuous to continue full steam ahead on gathering orders that they possibly couldn’t fulfill?

And I really wonder what happened to the customers that didn’t chase them with blog postings and complaints to the BBB and the CFPB. I’m afraid I already know.

So, yeah, if you like the product so much that you’re willing to chase them to get it after paying for it, go right ahead. Myself, I think they give small businesses and artists a bad name, and I definitely will not be ordering from them again.

It’s been a pretty mellow day here… we went out and did the very few errands that wanted doing and got some lunch, then of course, Rick went off to be all Jedi Survivor in the office while I attempted to play Final Fantasy 6 but actually had a pretty solid couch nap in the living room.

Rick apparently was surprised by the fact that I had an accidental nap, and felt the need to comment.

Rick- I hit a quiet part of the game and heard something down the hall, but it wasn’t Final Fantasy. Come in and there you are all /insert Rick doing a dead fish impression here snoozing away on the couch.

Me, taking off my reading glasses and frowning- You know, dear, girls like to think of ourselves as being beautiful enchanted princesses in slumber, and we don’t really enjoy you breaking the illusion.

Rick- You were all curled up, mouth open /insert unflattering, definite non enchanted princess impression yet again

Me, speaking in an even firmer tone of voice- We don’t like hearing that we drool and snore!

Rick- Oh, you, YOU definitely snore.

Me, sighing- This is payback for last night’s three little words, isn’t it?

Rick, grinning- Yup.

Yall see? This is a give and take, and Rick gets his share back, alllll the time.

Getting new tech sync’d to all the things is always a joy here at the casa.. bluetooth wants to hug everything, and I don’t want Rick’s xbox controllers grabbing onto my GPD and vice versa.

The problem this evening, though, was that Rick’s controller didn’t want to sync to ANYthing. After feeding him grilled cheese due to icktummy, I parked myself in my spot on the couch and observed the dance you dance when trying to get tech to behave, offering occasional commentary as he has come to value. Or at least expect.

Or at least, he hasn’t divorced me yet, or thrown the currently offensive piece of tech at my face, so he must get some kind of amusement out of me.

Early on in the process-

Me- When’s the last time you replaced the batteries in that thing?

Rick- Oh, not that long ago, I’m sure.

Me- alright then. /goes back to scrolling the news

Rick- /continues to struggle to force the stupid controller to pair

Controller- /continues to flip Rick off

Me, sometime later- Did you……. turn it off and back on again?

Rick- /glares in my general direction and I see his jaw clench

The man is fucking stoic, I think I’ve mentioned that before. I got up and went to make myself some dinner, himself having had the grilled cheese. Rick continues to putter, I put on Wonderwall cause I’ve had Princess Fucking Donut singing Wondercrawl in my head for three damn days now.

Rick, calling to me in the kitchen- Uh, do we have any batteries?

Me, rummaging through a drawer while keeping an eye on my cheese sauce- Yeah, I got one.

Rick- Do you know if we have another one?

Me- I do not. I do know I have a cheese sauce I’m working on, so how bout you try that and we’ll see?

Rick, grumbling and muttering as he gets the new battery plugged in- Well shit.

Me, turning off the sauce and cocking my head- Oh? What’s that dear?

Rick, mumbling something.

Me, stepping out and observing the now perfectly sync’d and functioning controller- Yup, that’s three words I need from you.

Rick- It’s working now?

Me, grinning- NO, TRY AGAIN BITCH!

Rick- Um. Glad it’s working?

Me- GIMME THE WORDS. Is it SO hard?

Rick- it is when you’re in this mood.

Me, emerging from the kitchen, going into a stance like a Maori warrior about to dance the haka, hands extended and fingers waving in the give it here motion- I WANT THE THREE LITTLE WORDS, SIR COUGH EM UP!

Rick, begrudgingly- You. Were. Right.

Me, nodding regally- Thank you. Was that so hard? And hey, it could be worse. I could be doing the Church Lady dance right now.

Can you believe he STILL didn’t throw that controller at me? Me neither.

Editing to add Wondercrawl, cause why should I be the only one randomly singing Mongooooooooo

https://soundbooththeater.com/webplayer/85736/?guest=1

Because I’m sure I’m not the only one that hit a few bumps in the road today, some reminders-

If you think you’re gonna need a hero, you need to be ready to be someone’s hero.

Stormy weather gives you an excuse to snuggle in with a book.

The wise one will find knowledge everywhere they go, the weak one will find someone to blame.

Time waits for no one.

Tucker Carlson doesn’t have a job.

If you’re feeling down about yourself, do something randomly kind for someone else.

And uh… Tucker Carlson doesn’t have a job. It just kind of bears repeating.

It’s okay to cry every time you hear Carrie Fisher says that no one’s ever really gone- because it’s true. Everyone you’ve ever loved and lost lives on in you.

… and it really kind of is, for a lot of different reasons.

When we first bought the Casa, I was incredibly charmed by it because it has a courtyard. It’s not a huge space or anything, and at the time, it was just a bare cement foyer that stood outside the front door.

But.. a courtyard.. now that’s something you could do something with, right? And we held onto that thought for years, while it served as storage or the place where things wouldn’t grow well in the planters except mint… because mint grows everywhere.

And then, one spring, I got one of those twitches I get. I think Rick recognizes them now, and shudders mildly in despair. You see, when I get a twitch, anything can happen. I may drag Mr. Wellman to the nursery and buy more trees. I may book us on a trip to another world. I may suddenly need to visit the craft store and buy yet more yarn. And I may start writing a new book.

I think, in spite of my antisocial nature when writing, Rick prefers the last one just because it means some peace and quiet with his current favorite video game.

In any case, this particular twitch led to putting up pergolas (one on each side of the courtyard), starting a container garden, and dragging our SCA firepit out into the courtyard for use. It became a peaceful little oasis to enjoy.

We were in our newly oasis-ized courtyard when Jake first reached back out to us. We must have spent two hours texting back and forth on that spring evening, and shared pictures of our new outdoor living space. Jake loved it, and kept coming up with more and more ideas to improve it. Lights, rugs, a bigger firepit/table, sheers to hang, faux leaves over the top of the pergola to give that sun dappled shade, a fountain, and to offer a beautiful screen so you couldn’t see all of this from the street, bamboo in the planters that form the archway.

We did all of those things except one and spent many happy hours by the fire, sipping on wine and just laughing and talking. It breaks my heart to say that I can’t remember what most of those conversations were about, really, I just remember being so deeply contented during what was an incredibly turbulent time. And so very proud of who Jake had grown up to be.

For a while, it made me lonely to sit here without him- but I’m trying hard to hold on to the good memories here and let the sadness go. It was in the spirit of that that I went ahead and did the last thing on Jake’s list for the courtyard.

Yesterday, I planted the bamboo he wanted to order to grow up and offer a cool, green screening effect. We’ll see if it works.

And today I’m sitting here listening to what I think is the best form of audiobook I’ve ever heard.. really what the whole art form should be used for to draw folk into a story. It’s available on Audible.com, called Dungeon Crawler Carl, and I highly highly recommend this. I’m sitting here, listening to this audiobook, crocheting a new, light lap blankie, watching the bamboo leaves play in the breeze, and thinking over some of the happiest moments of my life.

https://www.audible.com/pd/Dungeon-Crawler-Carl-Audiobook/B08V8B2CGV?qid=1682279317&sr=1-1&ref=a_search_c3_lProduct_1_1&pf_rd_p=83218cca-c308-412f-bfcf-90198b687a2f&pf_rd_r=XN930DGC2XE2EXE8ZCQ3&pageLoadId=rG9xIcTgfvnI5JQz&creativeId=0d6f6720-f41c-457e-a42b-8c8dceb62f2c

It’s not a bad way to spend a day.

Even if it’s not a very authorly way to spend International Book Day, except one part of my mind tells me it is the MOST authorly way to spend the day- enjoying a story.

If you don’t want to try Dungeon Crawler Carl, I tell you what.. I’ll give a free copy of my latest book, After the End, to the first 3 people to comment on this blog post. Normal rules apply- just never tell me if you hate it.

I know, in spite of staring at 50 years walking around this planet, that I’m still an innocent in a lot of ways. Though I may be growly and cynical on the outside, I still believe in the power of a hug at the end of a long day. I believe that while blanket forts and snacks that are bad for you may not fix everything, they sure can put you in a better place to finding better. I believe you don’t fold down the corners of books, or the ghosts of a million librarians will find you and give you paper cuts.

Lately, I’ve come to better understand the power of both hearing and saying yes.

I don’t say no all that often, and when I do, it’s usually followed by a but. Everything that gets put in front of me is a puzzle, and every puzzle (like every question) has an answer. All that changes are the pieces to solve, in endlessly intricate and fascinating ways that give life zest and purpose. It keeps you on the path to learning and growing, and isn’t that the point of being here in the first place?

I didn’t understand that that is a different way to go about living. The bitter stranger in my head is laughing at the fact that I quite literally watched my own mother say no to everything and I still didn’t manage to pick up that lesson.

I guess I prefer to think of that as being a mark of innocence rather than stupidity.

So what’s my point?

When you feel a no about to happen, ask yourself- is it really no? Or is it no but? Is there really nothing at all you can do? Or is it a case of nothing you will do? If it’s to establish a boundary for yourself, then that’s okay, and really kind of necessary. But if it’s just no because you can say no, and you aren’t offering any path to yes.. you may find the person you are hurting most is yourself.

I truly think I have ‘yes’d and dumb lucked myself into everything good in my life. Yes, I’m going to take this job. Yes, I’m going to keep writing Chapter 5. Yes, I’m going to try something new and weird and wild. Yes, I’m going to share what I know. Yes, I have time for you. Yes, I’m going to push out of my comfort zone.

Yes, I’m going to stay who I am and keep saying yes. Even when I’m tired, even when it’s overwhelming. Because I can find the way, and I’m going to be me.

Every question has an answer. Sometimes it’s not the answer you wanted, and that’s okay, as long as its the answer that works. And if the people around you don’t support you saying yes, you may be around the wrong people. It took me a long time to find my people, the ones that see the yes in me, that value me for it and not in spite of it. And it was worth it.

Well, friends and neighbors, the weekend is drawing to a close. Not really a holiday we celebrate, as it’s not ours anymore- more of a general day in which a lot of things are closed and there’s less traffic on the roads. That’s something we tend to approve of.

What I *do* spend some time doing around this time is puttering around my little courtyard and see how my perennials are doing (honeysuckle, rosebush, willow tree, and the something something I don’t remember the name of with purple flowers are all sending out green shoots this minute) and decide what’ll go in the containers for the new year. I’ve about decided to go with a moonlight garden- meaning the plants will show up nice in minimal light and/or bloom after sunset. Seems like I spend the most time in the nice months in my courtyard at night, taking in the cool air.

I also get a little thoughtful about things. Like love.

Some folk who have met him might think that my mister is a quiet type who doesn’t say much how he feels. In some ways that’s true and in others it totally isn’t.

We’re geeks, and we’re fond of our gear. I got myself (and the mister one of his own cause we don’t share so goodly) this handheld gaming computer called a GPD. Think of a Switch, but with Windows on it, and way more powerful. Well, wouldn’t you freakin know it, the left joystick on mine went out last fall. A little irksome, but it was what it was, and is still useful (it’s what I’m writing this on this minute).

Well. The company that makes GPDs dropped a new model, the Win 4. And the mister just quietly went and ordered us a pair without actually mentioning it til it was a done deal.

On Friday, the first one came in. And you know, without even a word, he handed it to me.

That’s love, people.

I’ve mentioned before a bit about how I’ve started having trouble with my hands. They won’t always hold what I want to hold, and they don’t always let me do all the things I want to do. I was lamenting the Jedi Fallen Order game being just too hard for me with standard controllers.

You know what the mister is doing this minute? He’s going through the process of pairing Switch controllers to the new GPD so I can try playing Fallen Order on his Steam account and see if I can handle it.

Again, that’s love. I don’t need dozens of roses or gaudy jewelry. Eyes that see and a heart that cares… worth a thousand thousand sonnets to me.

I know, I know, you came for the actual conversation, and I won’t disappoint.

Last night, we were mulling over what to do.. it’s been really warm here, and that makes us lazier than usual, so we’d been going back and forth. Suddenly it hit me, while Rick was standing in the den next to the haphazardly organized shelf of games.

Me- That’s it! Grab Something Wild!

Rick, holding two cans of soda- Ooookay.. but what?

Me, blinking at him- the game? Something Wild?

Rick, looking at the shelf and realizing we have three games sitting right next to his hand called ‘Something Wild’ and starting to laugh- I thought you wanted me to pick something at random

Cue the kind of laughter that makes the whole day brighter.

If that’s not worth pondering and celebrating, I don’t know what is.

Not really a fan of putting a company on blast, but since I have more or less kissed $300 bye bye, well, I think I get to do this.

I ordered the mister an ultra cloak on January 2. Confirmation said it’d be about 15 working days. No biggie, they are made to order and all that good stuff.

Feb 2 rolls around, nothing. March 2. Nothing. Emails to customer support are answered, apparently on a whim, but no new information. The ads are nonstop. Finally there’s an email from the CEO asking folks to reach out to him with any concerns whatsoever. I did. No answer.

Basically, I was strung along til I can no longer dispute the charge. No answers, definitely no product. Then I noticed something interesting on their FB page, the transparency portion-

Primary country/region location for people who manage this Page includes:

South Africa (5)

Philippines (1)

Hmmm. Contrast this to what their FAQ has to say-

Where is my order made?

All of our orders are handcrafted in California, USA.

Now, why would you make your product in California and outsource your social media to South Africa and the Philippines? /shrug no idea, but it feels a little funky. Either way, I don’t recommend ordering from these guys and I’m super disappointed.

#Lunafide#wearlunafide

#wearableart#breakboundaries

https://lunafide.com/

Edited- Resolution posted here https://curiousreadings.com/2023/04/29/lunafide-resolution-buyer-still-beware/