Short- Real People

Note- This one was kind of interesting in that I ended up researching old cookbooks. That’s where it really started from.. my desire to work Chicken Loaf into a sentence on purpose.

Chicken loaf. Eugh.


 

Mr. Henson may have been the most popular man in the town of Smallwood, at least among the kids.

That’s not to say that grownups didn’t like him; certainly they always made time to have a chat and shake hands with the nondescript man of medium height. And ladies always remembered to take him a casserole every week or so, since the passing of his dear wife Eva.

But kids will always flock to someone that has time to listen to their stories, and time to show them one of the many interesting things he knew how to do. And from time to time, he’d pay the kids for collecting glass for him, if he was working on one of his mosaic projects.

Annie and Mitch’s dad said that he was a jack of all trades, or maybe more of an artist of all trades, since whatever he did had to be done with a perfectionist’s bent. “But then, you expect that from folks like him. I think it’s the money, myself, that made him odd when Eva died. Eccentric, I guess, considering,” Mr. Blundell said, blowing out the match from lighting his pipe after dinner one summer night. “You two be sure you’re polite, and forget what I said about oddness. It’s true that he knows a good many tricks that it wouldn’t hurt either of you to learn.” And then Mr. Blundell disappeared behind his paper, as he was wont to do.

Mitch cleared the table and Annie got the dishes done just in time to go listen to the radio before bedtime, always careful to steer clear of Mr. Blundell. He’d had the deep V crease between his eyes that meant he could blow at any time, as Mitch put it, as though he expected his father to puff up like a balloon and pop, scattering bits of himself all over the slightly shabby living room.

Sometimes they whispered about that at night, about how to keep their father from redecorating the house in a rather gross way. 

“I think you should remember to put away your shoes more,” Annie said.

“I think you should stop nagging me about my shoes!” Mitch was tired of this fight; as far as he was concerned, shoes wound up where they wound up, and if someone wasn’t wise enough to step over them, they deserved what they got. Life was too short to go about minding the whims of ten year old boys and shoes.

“Maybe we should spend more time at Mr. Henson’s,” he put forth. A dangerous thought, almost as if they were saying they’d prefer Mr. Henson as a father more than their own. Which of course, wasn’t the case. Mr. Henson always had time to talk to them, but he wasn’t father, with his pipe and his occasional bouts of good humor. It was just as the times got worse, so did Mr. Blundell’s moods, not that they were to worry about it. Both children thought this was perfectly ridiculous, like ignoring a huge sinkhole in the middle of the yard. You can step over it for awhile, but eventually you’re going to have to deal with it.

“What about every other afternoon we check on what Mr. Henson’s doing, and if it’s something neat, we ask the right questions?” Annie said, hesitantly. 

“I think that’s fair enough.. and let’s make sure we have plenty of bottles for him. I bet if we scout around the pub, we could get those really interesting blue and green ones.”

Sleep soon claimed them both, full of the plans and intentions children have.

 

The one real problem with their plan was Mrs. Magruder.

Some people are dissatisfied with everything and everyone that comes into their view, and reflect their thoughts with a sourness of expression that makes them difficult to want to deal with. Mrs. Magruder was one such lady.

In her fifties (maybe) or sixties (more likely, especially when she frowned), she had been employed by Mr. Blundell to keep care of the house and the children. Mitch and Annie rather hoped that their father had had a different view about the definition of keeping care was than what Mrs. Magruder had.

Mrs. Magruder’s definition was to make a half-hearted attempt to tidy the rooms, send their clothes to her sister for laundering, and feed the children sandwiches. Duty done, she would then retire to Mr. Blundell’s chair with the paper (which she carefully refolded every evening), and put her feet up on the hassock. Short of a bomb detonation under her blunt roman nose, she would remain there until four thirty, at which time she folded the paper to conceal the fact that she’d read it quite thoroughly and kept the best coupons, put her shoes back on, and wandered into the kitchen to torture food into a semi edible state. 

One of the quirks of their steely-eyed housekeeper was to believe that all children were constantly up to no good. She lived in fear that her comfy chair would be removed if Mitch and Annie were caught being up to no good on her watch, and acted accordingly.

The radio was never turned on while she was in residence, as it would corrupt their minds. Books were also suspect, and she held that children should only read the classics, and never comic books or penny novels. Chores, she held, were the best way to develop growing minds and bodies, and she kept the pair busy with all those tasks that Mr. Blundell believed were her sole province. 

If, by some chance, all the chores should happen to be done, and she was deeply enough buried in the paper, the children would then be free to quietly play outside.

So it was the day after the whispered conversation that Mitch and Annie rose even before Mr. Blundell to do all the chores they could see as needed to be done. Astonished, Mrs. Magruder’s mouth dropped open upon her arrival, showing the lack of several very important teeth. 

“Well now, what you do you know? I suppose that’s what happens when children know what’s good for them,” she said, a slow, somehow frightening smile lighting her usually sour face. She patted them on their heads, a little overly hard, and pressed a shiny new dime into each of their hands. “There now, children, why don’t you run along and play?”

Overcome by their good fortune, (and not realizing that Mrs. Magruder was to give them a dime a week as allowance and typically ‘forgot’ to do so) Mitch and Annie bolted from the dim, dreary house with an air of holiday about them.

So it came about that by 2 o’clock, they were peeking up Mr. Henson’s drive and into his workshop. The workshop was really nothing more than a big wooden barn, filled with all kinds of curious items guaranteed to start a kid asking questions faster than you could say, ‘What’s that?’

On this particular day, he was bent over his bench, painstakingly gluing a piece of brilliant blue glass into place. He greeted Mitch and Annie without looking up.

“Well hello there! You’re just in time, especially if you have some glass for me… it’s so hard to get just the right pieces in just the right colors,” he turned his head sideways, and gave them his warm, friendly smile. He made Annie think of a sheepdog, looking out from under his shaggy dark hair, his dark eyes twinkling. 

“Yes,” Mitch said shyly, “we do have some glass for you. Can we watch a while?”

“Watch? But of course you may, young Mitch! And more than that, you can lend a hand and learn about mosiacs, you and Annie both.”

Exchanging grins, they stepped up onto the boxes that Mr. Henson provided, and gasped at what was laid out on the bench. The afternoon sun was slanting through one of the windows and setting the piece alight, catching all the colors of glass and porcelain. “The colors are pretty, Mr. Henson, but I don’t know what the picture is supposed to be,” Mitch said.

Mr. Henson chuckled and tousled the boy’s hair. “And let this be a lesson from art that applies to life,” he said, lifting the boy up and backing away so Mitch could see the piece at a distance. “Sometimes, you can’t see the design of the powers that be by looking right at it, but you have to step away and look at the overall pattern.”

“It’s… it’s an eye!” Mitch said, turning to grin up at Mr. Henson.

“Absolutely correct. Come, Annie, though he’s spoiled the surprise a bit, no reason you shouldn’t have a look too!”

And it was an eye, but not like one painted and flat. It had depth, with all the different shades of blue woven together… it took Annie’s breath away when she, too, saw the overall pattern Mr. Henson spoke of.

“I’ve never seen an eye that many shades of blue before! It’s beautiful,” she said softly.

Mr. Henson smiled sadly. “It’s meant to be my Eva, a real lady, and if I’m taking a little bit of artistic license, well, she was so lovely that she deserves to be portrayed as beautifully as I can arrange.”

Mitch and Annie looked down, not knowing what to say to this, but the moment was broken when Mr. Henson clapped his hands together briskly. “Now, let’s see what you have there!”

Before long, the trio was companionably smashing glass together, which was somehow very fun even when you were allowed to do it. Mr. Henson made them wear gloves to be safe, but even that didn’t take the fun out of the work. Even better, he explained why he was looking for pieces of a certain size, and encouraged them to help him choose what they thought the best ones were.

The clock tower chimed four and Mr. Henson shook his head in surprise. “Well, here we are but half done… do you two think you could wander this way again tomorrow? I could use the assistance, and in return, I’ll set up some smaller pieces that you two can work on. After all, you’ve supplied enough material for them!”

Amazed at their good fortune, the twosome thanked Mr. Henson excitedly, and raced home before Mrs. Magruder could get up from their father’s chair and wonder where they were.

True to form, she merely peered over the paper when they came in at a quarter past. She made no comment, but they noticed an empty glass on the table next to her, the kind Mr. Blundell had after a day in which the V in his forehead was very deep.

Dinner took an eternity that night, and for once, even Mr. Blundell noticed that the food wasn’t the best. He muttered about seeing what possessed Mrs. Magruder to boil a perfectly good steak, and then to boil it with cabbage to boot. “If you two weren’t so fond of her, I’d seriously consider finding someone else, someone that doesn’t abuse a good cut of meat.”

“Maybe we could get her a cookbook,” Annie ventured.

“Maybe not a bad idea. I’m sure we have some around here somewhere,” he said vaguely.

For as long as they could remember, Mr. Blundell did not talk about their mother. Annie was the eldest, but even she didn’t remember her very well. Whenever a topic of conversation threatened to go in that direction, it trailed off, fell flat, and found a new direction.

“I’ll look in the attic tomorrow, Daddy,” Mitch said bravely into the silence.

Mr. Blundell gave a sharp nod, and pushed his plate away. “If you don’t find something by noon, why don’t you head over to the secondhand book shop? There’s got to be something,” he muttered, reaching for his wallet. He shoved a five dollar bill at Annie. “And for heaven’s sake, go to a diner for lunch while you’re at it. What she serves you two when I’m not here doesn’t bear thinking about.”

Annie giggled as she started clearing the dishes. “It’s not that bad, but thank you Daddy!”

The next day began much as the day before it, with Mrs. Magruder waving them off, her thoughts on Mr. Blundell’s fine chair and newspaper. They dutifully went to the secondhand book store and found some rather battered Betty Crocker cookbooks, then to Lou’s Diner for lunch.

Tammy, Lou’s waitress, had none of the usual spring in her step today. Instead of the usual smile of welcome, her mouth just twisted to one side in a parody.

The children watched her, feeling a distinct sense of wrongness as she fetched out their hamburgers and fries. “It’s like she’s sleepwalking,” Mitch whispered.

“It’s like she’s not there,” Annie said.

They talked about it all the way home, where they silently placed the cookbooks in a could not possibly be overlooked place on the counter next to the stove. There were soft snoring sounds coming from Mr. Blundell’s chair, so they decided to leave well enough alone and hope that the plan worked.

Their murmurings about Tammy’s odd behavior continued right into Mr. Henson’s workshop, and unlike most adults, he noticed.

“Now then, what’s bothering you two so?” he asked, putting down his tools and wiping his hands on a rag.

“Well, sir, it was Tammy, you know, the waitress over at Lou’s,” Mitch started. Mr. Henson nodded thoughtfully, settling onto one of the tall stools at the workbench and looking very serious indeed. His brows drew together, not in a V like Mr. Blundell’s, but in a firm, thoughtful line, his lips pursed.

In the face of all this attentiveness, Mitch faltered and looked to his sister. It took a moment for Annie to think of how to put this to a grownup; even though Mr. Henson was different, there were limits as to how far different could go.

“She didn’t seem herself today. Usually she teases Mitch about how he’ll be a heart breaker some day, and she kind of play fights with Lou in the back. She just wasn’t like that, like she wasn’t really there,” Annie broke off, seeing Mr. Henson beginning to look very concerned indeed.

He nodded, as though he had come to a sudden decision, and then Mr. Henson did something that they’d never seen him do before. Rising, he shut the big double doors that led to his workshop, then came back and hunkered down between them.

“You’re very smart children to have noticed something like this being amiss. So I’m going to tell you something very important, something that you can’t talk to other people about, because you never know which ones aren’t what they seem. Do I have your words on that?” His eyes focused perfectly upon each of them in the dim light, and it was unthinkable to lie.

Both Annie and Mitch nodded eagerly. To be taken into confidence, like they too were grownups! It was a heady moment, tainted only slightly by fear of what Mr. Henson had to tell them.

“Not everyone we see is what you’d call a real person. They have enough of something in them to prop them up for awhile, but in the end, it drains away. People that aren’t real don’t have souls, or consciences, and when whatever was animating them goes away, they can become dangerous,” Mr. Henson had lowered his voice, as though he expected the unreal people to come and take him away for even whispering about them.

Wide eyed, Annie and Mitch began reordering their ideas of the world.

The moment for confidences was over, and Mr. Henson went and opened the doors again, letting the summer sunshine back into the workshop.

That was the day that Annie decided to make a mosaic of the sand and sea, and Mitch of a night sky.

“Those are definitely some worthy and challenging subjects for your first projects! Let’s go looking at the bits we have to work with, shall we?” Mr. Henson pulled out a large chest, and in every drawer there was a glittery paradise of color twinkling back at them.

What they had not realized was how much time it can take to make a mosaic, even a small one, with someone like Mr. Henson guiding them. It was a week to choose the colors and the scenes, another week to learn how to select the proper angle of glass to be sure the light was reflecting back correctly, and a third week to choose all the correct colors.

And in all that time, he said not a word about people without souls.

But Mitch and Annie talked about it a lot.

“Do you think that’s why mom left?” Mitch asked one night, having come into Annie’s room after the lights were out. “Do you think she lost her soul?”

“I don’t know… but that’s kind of what she was like,” Annie said quietly. She remembered those days, the way her mother would slink around the house and avoid the gaze of her small daughter. It hurt to remember those times, to remember her mother’s face. It hurt to start to see her mother gazing back at her in the mirror, and she took pains to keep her hair in braids so it wouldn’t flow loose around her face like her mother’s did, those dark, shining strands that invited stroking.

“And did you notice Mrs. Magruder?” Mitch asked, not bothered about details of a mother he didn’t remember at all now.

“No, what about her?”

“She’s.. changing. She doesn’t even notice if we do the chores or not before she sends us out.”

Annie thought about it a moment. He was right… there was a floor that she’d mopped in a rather slap dash manner. Mr. Blundell’s muddy footprint had been smack in the middle of the floor, and she hadn’t seen it until they came home before dinnertime. but Mrs. Magruder hadn’t noticed at all.

The day after this discussion, Mr. Henson was frowning as they came into the workshop. He was wiping his hands free of black sludge, which had also dripped down his pant leg.

“Oh!” he said, looking up at their entry. “I was just getting cleaned up.”

Annie had already gone to her mosiac, which had a number of pieces placed, but not yet glued in. Mitch simply stared at the gooey mess that Mr. Henson was making faces at. “What is that?”

After glancing at the doors out to the street furtively, Mr. Henson replied quietly. “Well might you ask. This is how you know someone isn’t real.. this is what’s left over after whatever they are drawing energy from is gone. Stay back,” he said to Mitch, who leaned in closer in horrified fascination. “I’m not yet sure that it can’t infect others on its own… not that it could take your soul, but I believe it can corrupt you into acts that are better off unthought of.”

Her attention torn away from her work, Annie swiveled on her stool and stared, her eyes wide. “What happened?”

Mr. Henson tried to smile at her in a reassuring way and failed. “I’m sorry, Annie, but you were right about Tammy. She won’t be able to hurt anyone now, though.”

“How did you know?” Mitch asked, awed.

“Same way you two saw it, and I’m still amazed that you were able to pick up on it so quickly! It took me years to be able to find them, and longer to understand what they are.” This time the reassuring smile succeeded. “You two are very lucky, and special to have found the calling so soon.”

He stared at the half finished mosaic he was working on. “Like my Eva. You remind me of her, sometimes, the pair of you. She was special, too.”

The air was very still in the workshop, the golden afternoon light filtered in the high windows to illuminate the eye. Sliding down from her stool, Annie came and put her hand over Mr. Henson’s, and unwittingly asked the question that every adult in Smallwood at been trying to ask for years.

“What happened to Eva, Mr. Henson?”

It hung there, a tremulous girl-woman’s question. Perhaps it was her innocence, or her likeness to Eva herself that prompted the reply that no one else had been able to coerce. After what seemed like an eternity, Mr. Henson sighed.

“An Unreal person killed her.”

Eva, he told them, in a long, halting recital, had taught him how to destroy the Unreal. She put a name to something he’d felt the wrongness of since he was Mitch’s age. Together, they’d done what they could to protect Real people, trying not to draw attention to themselves, and always trying to learn more, hoping for the day they could stop the Unreal at their source.

She’d told him of a secret society that her parents had belonged to, before they had gone missing somewhere in the East during World War I.  Though she’d been looking for other members, she had never found them. Her only clue was a battered symbol her mother had worn around her neck. (He sketched it out on his drawing table, but neither Mitch nor Annie had seen it before.)

One day, she’d left him a note in their cryptic code, meaning that she had found another, and was taking steps to prevent it from harming innocent people.

But Eva never came back.

When Mr. Henson had gone to the cave by the sea they used for such things, he’d found Eva, and he was too late to save her.

“She was very strong, and smart, but there’s something in this little town that was far more powerful. And I’m staying until I find it.”
When they arrived home, a little later than normal, Mrs. Magruder was snoring softly in Mr. Blundell’s chair. Mitch and Annie exchanged a worried look before he went and slammed the door shut just a little too hard.

She jumped, muttered, and shuffled slowly into the kitchen to prop the new cookbook open to something called ‘Chicken Loaf’.

“She never used to sleep before,” Annie whispered.

“She never used to touch Dad’s bottle before either.” Mitch frowned, trying to look like Mr. Henson and managing it pretty well.

Dinner that night was a moderate disaster, in Mr. Blundell’s words. “Chicken loaf? Why would someone want to make a loaf out of a perfectly good chicken? Is this really in that cookbook?” he muttered, and nothing would do but that he pick up the book to verify the recipe. “Custard like consistency, huh? Well, it has that,” he sighed, and asked Mitch to please pass the bread.

It was that night that the accident happened.

It was a silly slip, one that any other time wouldn’t have amounted to anything but a bruise and sore pride. Annie had been leaning over to fill the bathtub when her hand slipped, and she fell, cracking her head against the spigot. Her last thought before tumbling down a long, dark corridor was that she had seen the black sludge again, on the rim of the tub.

When she came back, it was to a bright flash of light in her eyes, and Annie winced.

“There now, not to worry, Ted, she’s coming back around now.”

“Annie?” her hand was being grasped, and Mr. Blundell’s voice was worried. She wanted to tell him she was fine, but Mr. Henson needed to know about the sludge, but all she could manage was, “Mm okay, Daddy, pinkyswear.”

A warm, deep voice chuckled confidently. “See there? Out of the mouths of babes, as it were. Not that Annie’s a babe anymore, she must be what, fourteen? Fifteen?”

Mr. Blundell’s hand smoothed the loose hair back from Annie’s forehead, avoiding the spot that was oh so sore. “Fourteen, and her mother’s image.”

The doctor made a strange noise in his throat. “Well, Ted, she’s going to need rest and quiet, I believe you have a woman in to see to them?”

“Of a sort, I was actually planning on terminating her employment. Annie’s getting old enough to do for them both. But I suppose we’ll keep her on till Annie’s better. How long will that be, Jim?”

“Oh, give her a week and she’ll be up and around again, but don’t be surprised if she wants to sleep. Keep the woman on for two weeks to be safe, little boys can be a handful.”

Mr. Blundell’s hand came away from Annie’s forehead, and she tried to reach out, wanting it and the absolute sense of safety it conveyed back. But the voices had already moved on.
Mitch was there when she woke up the next day, bursting with news. He had clearly been waiting for quite awhile for Annie to wake up, and the afternoon sun glinted off his dark hair.

“Mr. Henson asked all about you! He was very worried, like this wasn’t an accident, but I told him what Dr. Stamper said.”

Slowly easing herself up, Annie said, “Is Daddy very mad?”

“Naw! Not at all, and that’s the truth. He was just worried till the doc came, then he gave Mrs. Magruder what for about-” and Mitch cut off the sentence at a knock on the door.

In swept the subject of discussion herself, her sour face twisted painfully into a smile and a lunch tray in her hands. The aroma rising from it and the expression on Mrs. Magruder’s face spoke louder than words; she’d had no hand in the preparation of this meal. “And how’s our little patient today?” she asked, putting the tray down on Annie’s lap.

“Thank you for bringing me lunch, Mrs. Magruder. I feel kind of dizzy and sleepy.”

“Dr. Stamper said you should rest for the next few days. I’m to ask if you have a headache?”

Annie nodded slowly, and Mrs. Magruder fished into her pocket and came out with a bottle. “Don’t know that I approve of giving children pills, but the doctor left these for you. Mitch, read this, I don’t have my glasses about me.” She patted his head approvingly as he took the bottle from her.

“One pill every four hours, may cause drowsiness,” he read. Mrs. Magruder grunted, and left one on the tray next to Annie’s glass of milk.

“Don’t tire your sister, young man, and bring that tray back to the kitchen when she’s done.” With that, she swished out of the room, duty done, chair beckoning.

Though the chicken pot pie on the tray was easily the best meal that had been in the house in months, Annie found she couldn’t quite finish it. She let Mitch polish it off, his monstrous boy’s appetite being what it was. “Mr. Henson made it,” he said between bites. “He came to see Dad, told him how big a help we’ve been over the summer, and he asked if he could take me out for an afternoon! Dad said yes, cause he figures I’ll be bugging you too much to get your rest, so we’re going to the coast this weekend! We haven’t gotten to the ocean all summer long.”

He stopped as Annie lay back on the pillows, instantly repentant in the way that only puppies and little boys can be. “I wish you could go too,” he said, in a subdued tone.

“It’s okay, I’m the stupidhead that slipped into the tub.”

Mitch was still young enough to giggle at the insult, and as she started to close her eyes, she reached a hand out to him. With the sunlight pouring in, she thought for the first time that he was really beautiful, from the curve of his giggling mouth to the trusting way he took her hand. It was moments later that the pill had done its work and she was fast asleep.

Her dreams were bad ones, the worst she’d had since their mother had left. Mitch’s dark eyes, so like hers, were filled with glee, and there was black sludge everywhere. They were in a car, going down the windy coastal road, and then in a cave with water smashing against the stone nearby. Tammy was there, but it wasn’t Tammy, it was a black sludge thing, what Mr. Henson called an Unreal, and it had shining fangs.

And then Mitch had fangs too.

Annie woke up screaming, and she couldn’t seem to stop. Mr. Blundell was there, rocking her to him as though she were still a little girl. “It’s the pills, honey, just the pills, shhh now, you’re scaring Mitch.”

But when she looked to the doorway, Mitch didn’t look scared at all. It was a stranger’s look that he gave her, calculating and frightening. She turned away from it, back to her Daddy, who would never let anything harm her. Not an Unreal or Mrs. Magruder or anyone.

Dr. Stamper came back, this time with a shot, and everything melted away again.

Mr. Henson was by her side next, looking very concerned. “You saw something, didn’t you, Annie?”

She blinked blearily and sat up, noticing that it was easier now. “I dreamed things, bad things in a cave by the sea.” And then she blushed, noticing that her bladder was speaking in a very loud voice.

Gravely, Mr. Henson helped her to her feet and followed her to the bathroom, then helped her back to bed. Only once the door was closed did he speak again. “I feel the trouble here with you, Annie, and I’m going to do everything in my power to protect you, okay?”

Tiredly, she nodded, and drifted in and out of consciousness while Mr. Henson murmured. She thought there was a candle burning, but that was confusing, since Daddy didn’t really like candles.

She woke again in the morning, and Mr. Henson was long gone. Turning slightly, trying to avoid the tender side of her head, Annie saw Mrs. Magruder in a folding chair, paper still in hand.

“Back again, then,” she said, in a quiet tone. “I’ll go get your food.”

“I’m not really hungry, thank you, ma’am. Where’s Mitch and Daddy?”

Mrs. Magruder stopped at the door, her brows drawn together into an unattractive single line as she looked at Annie in astonishment. “You’ll eat when you’re told to eat, young lady! No wonder why you linger in bed so long,” and she left, slamming the door after her and making Annie’s head throb anew.

Annie closed her eyes for a moment to keep images from being fuzzy, and when she opened them, she saw something that nearly stopped her heart.

There was black sludge on the newspaper.

She wanted to start screaming, but knew that she had to tell Mr. Henson. He’d know what to do about Mrs. Magruder. He’d be able to stop her before she could hurt anyone. Annie tried to take deep breaths and look anywhere but at the paper when Mrs. Magruder came back with another bowl of pot pie.

Oddly, Mrs. Magruder didn’t bring it on a tray, and she didn’t hand it to Annie directly. Instead, she placed it on the night table. She also didn’t meet Annie’s eyes, but turned back to the paper without another word.

Slowly, Annie ate every bite, willing her heart to slow down. When she’d finished, she put the bowl back on the night table and closed her eyes, pretending to sleep.

Some time after the clock struck four, Mrs. Magruder rose and folded the paper. Her footsteps went back and forth some distance from the bed, like a pacing animal. Annie kept her eyes shut as far as she could, and wished that she could freeze her face.

The pacing stopped, but Annie heard a low whine, like a dog being kept from a tasty morsel.

Then the clock struck four thirty, and footsteps retreated to the door. It opened, and there was a long, long moment before it closed again and Annie could let out a quiet sigh of relief.

The newspaper was gone, and the sludge with it, and that eased Annie’s heart. Exhausted, drenched with sweat, and knowing that Mrs. Magruder would be cooking dinner and leaving, she rested.

After dinner, Mr. Blundell came to take up residence in the folding chair, and Annie reached her hand out to him. “Hi, Daddy.”

“Hi yourself, little girl,” he said with a relieved smile. “Been giving your old man quite a scare. I’m glad you’re awake.”

“Where’s Mitch?” she asked as he took up her hand. Remembering how Mrs. Magruder had paced around the bed, and Mr. Henson’s protection, she felt a rush of relief as he pressed her fingers.

“I would have figured he told you, but then…” Mr. Blundell trailed off. “He and Mr. Henson went camping, somewhere up the coast a bit. Figured you’d have more quiet without that young hooligan around. I hope Mr. Henson can cope with him on his own for a few days.”

Annie felt her stomach turn over. “How were they going to get there?”

“Oh, Mr. Henson has a car, so they drove up. I guess it’s some little bit of real estate he owns, so he keeps it up, said he could use Mitch to help out with trailcutting or some such thing,” Mr. Blundell chuckled. “Even wants to pay the boy for the work, but I said feeding that walking appetite would be enough. He’s a good man, Mr. Henson.”

“Yes, Daddy,” Annie said with a sigh. “He’s a very good man.”

“So,” Mr. Blundell said briskly, “Do you want to come listen to the radio with me? You’re supposed to rest, but I figure you’ve got to be tired of being cooped up in this room and sleeping. Mrs. Magruder told me you haven’t stirred a step. And Mr. Henson said you slept most of the time.”

Before she knew it, she’d been carried and placed in Mr. Blundell’s chair. She’d expected it to feel strange, with Mrs. Magruder’s presence so often located in that spot, but instead it smelled of pipe tobacco, Old Spice, and her father’s brandy, all comforting, homey scents as far as Annie was concerned.

And Mr. Blundell actually listened to the radio shows with her, his paper neglected for the once. He made popcorn for her, and tickled her feet to hear her giggle. It was like the part of her daddy that had gone when her mother had left had just been waiting until it was the two of them again to come out.

Maybe, said a little voice that almost sounded like Mitch, maybe this is what daddy is without Unreal people around. Because now there was no doubt in her mind that Mrs. Magruder wasn’t real. That’s why she’d slipped, and why the house had been so bleak and joyless all this time. It was Mrs. Magruder, doing her best to do all the things Mr. Henson said Unreal people did.

She got back to bed under her own power after helping her daddy with the crossword puzzle in the paper, and she lay awake, thinking.

Mrs. Magruder didn’t come on the weekends, so there was time. Time for Mitch and Mr. Henson to come back and help her do whatever it was they had to do.

Saturday and Sunday passed with Mr. Blundell becoming more and more his old self. He mowed the yard, which would do Tommy Hamilton out of his quarter for the month, he cooked breakfast, making her pancakes and eggs into smiley faces. It was a perfect time, and Annie steeled herself to do what she had to to keep it this way.

Then Sunday night came, without Mitch coming home.

They worried, and Mr. Blundell paced. Annie had been reading aloud from Robinson Crusoe when there was a knock on the door.

Officer Thomason stood outside, and he murmured to Mr. Blundell in a low voice for a very long time. Annie’s heart froze in her chest as Mr. Blundell turned to her, bewildered and horrified. He came and picked her up and held her close to him, rocking her against his chest.

“They found Mitch in a field, baby. He’s gone. They think whoever did it may have harmed Mr. Henson, too… there were signs of a fight.”

There was more then, but a little ball of ice had formed in Annie’s stomach. She looked at the officer, and suddenly she saw the scene that haunted him- her brother, laying as though flung into the brush, black sludge oozing from his nose and mouth.

A woman’s shoe prints, low heels, were tracked all around the area, and Mr. Henson was in the hospital. He’d been running blindly, and had run out in front of a truck out of the brush.

Mrs. Magruder was the only one that would have known that they had gone.

The ice encased her now, as she accepted that Mitch had been Unreal, and she was alone.

Even though Mr. Blundell did not go to work, Mrs. Magruder still came at the usual time Monday morning. While she said the right things to Mr. Blundell, who seemed to be in shock, she smiled a small cat’s smile at Annie. Annie stared back impassively.

Mr. Blundell went to lay down with some of his brandy after tucking in his daughter with hands that shook. She kissed his forehead, and whispered, “Everything’s going to be okay, Daddy, I promise.”

“Okay, honey, I’m just going to go lie down for awhile,” he said, yawning.

Annie waited. It was amazing, really, how easy it was to be patient with that iciness that enveloped her. It helped her plan things, like putting the pills Dr. Stamper gave her into the brandy bottle, like having Daddy’s straight razor sharpened. It made her wonder how much black sludge there would be in a detached sort of way.
Officer Thomason had had a very long week. He sat at his desk and took out the bottle in the bottom door, poured himself a half mug, started to replace it, then filled the mug to the brim.

The detective on the Blundell cases watched, then held out his own mug.

“What I don’t get,” he said slowly.

“There’s only one thing you don’t get about this mess, Phil?” Thomason said, too dulled by horror to put any real bite in his tone. Maybe after the scotch.

“You know what I mean. What I don’t get is how the little girl knew something we’d just figured out. Did the old broad go for her too? And why now, when she had years to go after them?”

Thomason sighed and scrubbed his fingers into his scalp. “And why was her stomach filled with motor oil, and the kid’s too? What kind of sick bitch does shit like that? In a small town like this, you got a few odd ones, like Henson himself, but this goes too deep into the weird for me.”

“Girl gonna be okay?” Phil asked after a long pull from his mug.

“I’d say she’ll come out of this fine. She’s a little trooper, that one. Was crying a little when she first called, but answered all the questions with her daddy by her side, and even answered for him a time or two.”

“And Mr. Henson? I’m partial that fella, he’s a good guy.”

“Oh, he was worried like all get out about those two, and seemed to be fit to bust his buttons with pride when he found out Annie had the broad’s number. Doc Stamper says he’s going to walk with a limp, but he doesn’t seem to mind.”

“It’s been one helluva mess, seems like it isn’t real.”

“Ain’t that the truth. Night, Phil.”

 

 

Short- Sometimes you don’t ask

If house hunting is hell, moving day has to rate somewhere in the lower regions of purgatory.

Chaos, in a word. With the mess getting deeper with the addition of a seven year old son, hyperactive basset hound, and husband who is convinced, out of nowhere, that he has descended from a long line of professional moving men and knows best.

After the seventh repetition of ‘I know what I’m doing honey’ I finished taping up the boxes holding my dishes and said a small prayer. To whom, I don’t know.. I never heard that there was a patron saint of relocation.

My distant consolation was the fact that we weren’t going through all this torment for yet another undersized overused apartment. No, we’d finally found the perfect little jewel of a house, with a price that we couldn’t have resisted.

“It’s almost too good to be true,” Bart had said a few dozen times as we’d walked over the house, and a few dozen more as we hung in the limbo of making offers. By the time the offer had been accepted, he shut up, though he claimed not to be as superstitious as I am, I know that he didn’t want to tempt fate.

By midafternoon, the cap of moving day hit as it began to snow. Frustrated, seeing himself as letting down all that supposed inbred talent and skill, Bart and his helpers hurriedly stored the boxes in the wonderfully spacious garage. I wasn’t especially pleased with this, but I also had no intention of going through to see if my perfect dinner set of 12 had become a somewhat imperfect set of 300 in the snow.

By the time the rushed stacking of the boxes and odds and ends of funiture was finished, the garage had ceased to be an empty cradle, waiting to provide comfort to our vehicles. Instead, it was a tumbled wilderness, where curtains and paintings of questionable taste lurked darkly. A bad start, but I reasoned to myself that not everything can go perfectly; we were already way ahead of the game as it was, and due a drawback or two.

Sleep was peaceful and deep that night, and I can truthfully say that I heard nothing.

I continued to hear nothing throughout the next month, as I slowly began the work of moving the house in from the garage, box by box.

Its funny about the things we choose to hang on to. As I began my slow but sure excavations, I noticed a number of things that didn’t need to be in the house. In my categoric mind, I began planning a yard sale for the first week of summery weather.

It was probably just about March, when the true rainy season set in, that Bailey the Basset got the quills in his nose. “What the hell?” Bart said curiously, and I knew the situation had to be truly dire to have gotten his attention away from the Lakers vs Bulls game. With a sigh, I wiped my hands on the dishtowel and went into the den to find Bart holding one of the quills up to the light.

“Damn dog managed to find a porcupine out here in the suburbs. I didn’t think porcupines even lived in the desert.” He passed the artifact to me, and since I’ve never seen a porcupine, quills off or on, I nodded at it wisely. Bailey seemed none the worse for his attempting maiming, in fact, he was already face down in his water dish.

“Strange though,” I said softly. “It doesn’t really feel like anything animal. It feels almost.. well.. wooden.”

“Would Tony have left a little wooden spear around for the mutt to get into?”

“Be rather hard to stick a wooden spear in your own nose without opposable thumbs, no matter how Tony left it laying.”

Bart shrugged, his attention wandering back to the beckoning glow of the tv screen. “Maybe porcupine quills change to a more dried out kind of texture as they get older. Who knows? I’m not Dr. Doolittle or anything. But you might just keep Bailey indoors more, and tell Tony to watch his toys. Poor little guy was crying,” he finished, rubbing Bailey’s ears absently.

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” I said sourly, heading back to the kitchen to find the heroically wounded animal a treat.

When queried with the offending spear, Tony shrugged unknowingly. “Maybe Bailey went to Borneo and found the pygmies. It’s about the right size,” he said, squinting at it and showing me how tall the pygmies ought to be.

“And where’d you learn about Borneo and pygmies?”

“Pauline found ‘em. On the old channel.”

I sighed and sent Tony back out to get into whatever mischief he had in mind for the afternoon. Anything to keep him away from the classic movie channel and the Perils of Pauline!
The next incident was about a week later, when Bart adventured into the dark garage for his soldering iron. After opening multiple boxes and generally making a mess, he shouted for me. Of course, as the woman, I must have some divine mystic ability to place my slender hand on precisely the implement he wanted, even before he told me what he was looking for.

“Bloody hell,” he growled some snappish 45 minutes later. “The damn thing’s just plain gone.”

“What’s worse than that,” I answered, “is that I could swear that a bunch of things have been moved around. Not the big stuff,” I said quickly. “And not the stuff that you were digging through either. But that picture.. the horrible one of the orange sails heading into the sunset. I could have sworn it was all the way against the far wall last week.”

And now it sat, still against the wall, but halfway down it. As though the picture had tired of its exile and was trying to escape into the house. There was also an old coleman camping lantern that had somehow been removed from its shelf, and the matches were missing entirely.

“That lantern was too high up for the kid to reach. And I can’t imagine him taking the matches or moving the painting,” Bart said, shaking his head thoughtfully.

Then the picture crashed noisily over on its side, and Bart and I decided that the soldering iron wasn’t that damned important. Or that we were very much out of shape and a sprint to the door was a good idea. The spookiness of the garage had won out for the day.

That night, the chanting began.

Our bedroom was directly over the garage, or I’m sure the kids would have long since alerted us about the phenomenon. Adults tend to sleep more soundly, and give less credence to the soft night sounds that would immediately get the full attention of a child. I listened to the chants for over a week before mentioning it to Bart, putting it down to some new, interesting perversion on the behalf of the hot water heater.

“No,” Bart said when the subject finally came up. “It’s more like those monks that do the backup for those Pure Moods bands.”

“Monks,” I said meditatively, tapping my nails against the stem of my wineglass. “So you think monks have moved into our garage?”

“I’d rather have monks than mice,” Bart frowned.

“Monkly mice, then? Involved in rites for the glorification of God and garaged housewares?”

Bart laughed, the whimsical laugh of little boys and men that have had too much to drink and too little sleep. “I’d prefer mice monks to rat chanters, dancing around the fire with spears.”

And suddenly, it wasn’t funny anymore.

Picking up the big flashlight, the kind cops carry in lieu of batons sometimes, Bart headed for the door to the garage, then thought better of it. Instead of entering through the house, he stepped out the front door. I heard the grinding whir of the garage door opener, and curiosity overcame good sense.

By the time Bart had begun to step in, I was beside him, peering mistrustfully into the sea of our junk.

I couldn’t have remembered the placement of all those boxes precisely.. and yet…

I could have sworn that Tony’s toy box had been taped shut. Now it was open, contents strewn all over the place. Bart grunted, obviously ready to shift the blame to a boy that wanted just one plaything in a box of hundreds of nearly forgotten toys.

When the light hit the surrounding cartons, even Bart had to concede that Tony didn’t have any reason to disarm the GI Joe’s and rip off their heads. A set of Lincoln logs had been broken into and scattered about as well.

By following the path of debris, we found a small hole in the wall of the garage. I remembered when we had first seen the house, there had been an old deep freeze covering this spot. It had looked old, and awkward to move, so I hadn’t thought anything about it.

Now it looked like I should have.

Shining the light in the hole showed us nothing. The darkness was too absolute for a mere flashlight. Bart straightened, shrugging in what I’m sure was meant to be a nonchalant way. As the beam cast over into the corner by the maligned hot water heater, the shrug turned into a shudder.

For in a tidy little path marking the way to the pilot light, we found the GI Joe heads… mounted on tiny pikes. “They honor the firekeeper,” I murmured softly, drawing a look from Bart.

“They?” his voice came out in a squeak.

“Pygmies. The hole goes to Borneo, really Bart, didn’t you ever watch the Perils of Pauline?” I thought I was making a joke, but the longer we stood there, looking at the precisely placed pikes, heads, and the slightly spooked ‘this isn’t happening to us’ look in each others’ eyes, the less funny it was.

“Humph,” Bart said thoughtfully as he took my hand and tugged me from the garage, very carefully watching all the dark corners. “I always saw myself as a live and let live kind of guy.. what do you say we have a truce over the garage, and always remember to knock? I mean, anything that can mangle a GI Joe like that has to be hell on mice.”

And the garage door closed.

A few nights later, I was tucking Tony into bed. “Mom,” he muttered sleepily, “you left the window open.”

“So?”

“So, if it’s open, the flying spleen eating weasels could get in.”

I started to tell him there was no such thing. And then I had a startlingly clear mental image of pygmies, mounted on flying spleen eating weasels, and shut my mouth with a snap.

I closed the window and kissed him goodnight.

Short- The Loveliest People

It was a lovely evening.

Margaret didn’t like to impose, because her mama had always told her that she should never a borrower nor a lender be, and in all too many situations, Margaret did feel as though she was borrowing something, well, private, when she sat down to a family’s dinner table.

But not here. Oh no, here she was a warmly welcomed guest, and if she took off her glasses, darling Mrs. Jensen even looked a bit like Mama had, so many years ago. Her head cocked just so as she listened to little Bethy’s recitation of the words she’d learned to spell today.

And it was so nice to see that Bethy was going to turn out just fine after all. Margaret had been terribly concerned when she’d heard the little girl had been sent home from the first grade. Perhaps Mrs. Jensen was right, and it was a private school with more attention that the girl had needed. Certainly she had turned things completely around; such a pretty dress, with matching ribbons for her hair, and the sweetest little smile. Margaret supposed that there was something to angels being shown as lovely blond girl children.

To be sure, it was really too soon to tell about the older boy, Robert. Margaret still eyed him a bit warily. They had had a bit of a problem after she’d discovered the windows of her poor old Buick shot out, clearly with a pellet gun. She hadn’t been able to drive it since they’d taken her license back in ’99, but Margaret believed in keeping the faithful old car up all the same, and it wasn’t as though it were a junker to suffer such insults. The memory of the cursewords Robert had flung at her when she’d nicely asked him to clean up the glass overshadowed his shining clean face. Even now, though he was slicked up in his nice button down shirt, and his hair was nicely combed down instead of in those impudent spikes, she still wondered about that certain glint of something wrong in his eyes.. Perhaps he had what Papa used to call a touch of the lavender.

Truly, it would come as such an awful blow to his father. Fathers always did take that sort of thing harder than mothers, Margaret noticed. But Mr. Jensen was such a masculine sort of fellow. He had his predinner cocktail about half drunk, and the smell of his pipe tobacco took Margaret back through the years to other warm family moments.

Margaret was glad Mrs. Jensen had remembered to pull the dining room curtains, it made the room so much cozier. Come to think of it, there wasn’t much that Mrs. Jensen ever forgot when it came to taking care of her family. If she peeked under the table, Margaret knew she’d fine Mr. Jensen in his warm, comfortable slippers, having been met at the door with them as was only proper. The meal, too, was absolutely divine; a stuffed chicken with peas and carrots and cornbread, potatoes and gravy, just as pretty as a picture. Soon now it’d be time for the cobbler, which rested on the freshly polished sideboard.

It was so nice to see a family doing things in the proper ways, what with all the outlandish things going on in this day and age, Margaret thought. She remarked as much to Mrs. Jensen, quietly of course, and Mrs. Jensen beamed. She hadn’t always done these things up right, she confided to Margaret, and was glad to have had a firm helping hand in mending her ways.

Margaret patted her hand kindly. Wasn’t anything to it, Molly dear, every woman needs a push in the right direction from time to time, and of course, it does fall to the elders to lend their wisdom, that things be done rightly by.

Reluctant to end such a lovely evening among such lovely people, Margaret nonetheless donned her gloves and took her leave promptly at 8:30. The children really out to be put down soon, they were beginning to look positively glassy eyed.

She declined the offer of a ride home, after all, it was just two streets over, she said, and she really ought to walk and keep herself trim. Margaret hummed to herself all the way, thinking about how lucky she was to have been with them this evening.

“I just don’t get it. What kind of sick bastard gets them all together like its an episode of Father Knows Best and cacks the whole lot of ‘em?” Detective Ridley scrubbed at his forehead. He’d seen a lot of weird shit in the city, and had come down South to return to some kind of gentility and charm.

The macabre scene in the Jensen’s dining room had shot that idea all to hell.

Dressed in what Ridley thought of as their Sunday best, they’d been posed around the table as though they were sitting down to dinner… a fine dinner which remained right there on the table with them. Mr. Jensen’s pipe had long since smoldered out, not that Ridley had ever known him to smoke at all. Mrs. Jensen’s hair had been done up in a perfect French twist, with some kind of glittering hairpins. Hell, the nutty shit had even gone and polished the kids’ shoes.

Ridley had called in the forensics team from the city, and he shut the panel doors on the scene before Barney could get more of an eyeful and spread the gossip hither and yon.

And hell’s bells, there was old Miss Scanlon there at the end of the walk, clutching her flyers for the Methodist rummage sale. There was police tape at the gate, but poor dear Miss Margaret (as she was known around town) wasn’t stirring a foot till she had word of ‘those lovely people’, as she kept calling them.

She dabbed at her eyes with her handkerchief when Ridley told her, and when she looked up, her eyes were huge and watery behind the old lady glasses. “That’s such a terrible shame, Rupert. They were just the loveliest people you’d ever care to meet.”

Short- Of Wizards and Ferrets

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there was a hidden valley filled with magic. To most people, it was an ordinary valley, shrouded in mist and in general not much to write home to mother about. (Not that people wrote home to mother much in those days, as mother likely couldn’t read, and the mail service was lamentably slow, in any case. Which no one much minded, but it lent a curious honesty to the phrase ‘the check is in the mail’.)

 But if a traveler happened to linger too long, they would begin to notice signs that this valley was far from ordinary.

 For one thing, the streams had all been enchanted to tinkle melodies, like city bells sometimes do at twilight. In some groves, every tree bore a different sort of fruit, and some of them were decidedly odd. Even the village idiot is going to be a little suspicious when they pass by a custard tree (something you don’t want to be caught standing under when the custards are ripe), or a jellybean tree, or even a peppermint tree. There was a broccoli tree and a spinach tree too, but they seemed to be the outcasts of the grove, off by themselves and perhaps a little overbushy from a lack of pruning.

 And all the animals could talk! Oh, it’s true that they didn’t have a great deal to say to the average passersby, but one could still overhear the quiet mumblings of the deer deep in discussion over the best meadows for browsing and bounding, and the beavers as they muttered in beaverly calculations during dam building. And one could hardly miss the loud giggles of the skunk and his cries of ‘Got you! Now let’s see who they call stinky!’

 What would have been a dead giveaway to even the stupidest wanderer was the towers. For even in those times, it was well known that only wizards and sorcerers built them out in wilderness like this.

 Some of the towers were very plain, ordinary buildings of gray stone with thatched roofs (though I wouldn’t fancy the job of thatching them without magic). Some of the towers seemed to have been hollowed out trees, with sparkling windows set into the tree trunk. (Of course, I wouldn’t like to share my home with every random chittery squirrel or chipmunk that wanted to debate the finer points of property ownership, but perhaps to the inhabitants it is soothing to wake up with a bushel of acorns in one’s bedroom slippers.)

 Still other towers seemed to have been fashioned out of a dream; the stones could be pearlescent or change colors with the passage of the sun, they could be enchanted stones, made to look as though there were no tower there at all (this is rather rough on a person’s nose if you aren’t familiar with the area, I might add), and still others were wreathed in shimmering clouds, like a maiden too shy to let down her fan for more than a moment’s peek.

 One thing all the towers had in common, from the plainest to the most fantastic, was that in them lived sorcerers.

 Now a word about sorcerers. They are not the crotchety, foul tempered mannerless people they’ve been made out to be. Well, perhaps some are a trifle cross in the morning, but that could be expected of anyone that tends to stay up very late with a number of very old smeary books for companions. That is what they tend to spend the most time doing, oddly enough. You’ve heard people talking about what they’d like to do if they knew magic, and it sounds like they’d spend great deals of time flying about, turning invisible, and turning people into frogs and newts and such.

 As it turns out, only one magician in a thousand can fly without flapping his arms (which looks rather silly, and to wizards dignity is most important), the only person ever to manage to turn invisible also went rather mad (Minklephrub lived another thirty nine years after that point, they think, they figured he’d passed on when the screaming from his tower had stopped for an entire week), and people can be just as annoying as frogs and newts as they were as people.

 So after one turns their hair purple, teaches the footstool to walk, and has a lot of time on their hands, it seems appropriate to learn more about what can be done with magic, which means learning about the world itself.

 This is what wizards primarily do. They seem to believe that the best way to accomplish this is to gather up every book, scroll, and scrap of paper in the near vicinity, pour over it in breathless anticipation, and then add to their collection with their own supposedly unique findings. Upon thought, this may very well be one of the things that makes a wizard such a foul tempered sort.. they are often finding that their conclusions were reached by some other wizard years and years ago by the novel means of borrowing a book from their neighbor. There’s nothing quite like a dozen years of tedious writing and posturing down the pipe to fray one’s temper a bit.

 Now, very occasionally, a wizard will venture from the vale into the wilds of the outside world. Although about a third of the wizards that reside in the vale came from parts beyond its borders, they still have the odd conception that one only finds the unenlightened and uncouth when traveling. Must have something to do with all that studying. But by that very attitude, certain unpleasant encounters are then inevitable, and the locals usually finish up thinking quite badly of their magical passerthrough.

 There’s one thing you can count on about people, whether they are wizards or not; if given sufficient provocation, they will respond in a less than mannerly fashion. Bathelzid the Bemused’s tower was the first to come under attack by the Order of the Ale Soaked Brethern Who Would Not Tolerate Magickings, and it is said that after a particularly loud bang on his inpenetrable door with a battering ram, Bathelzid sighed, marked his place in the book he was reading, and went to his window to shout down to the Order of the Ale Soaked et cetera.

 “Hallo down there!”

 The Order of the Ale Soaked et cetera did not cease their bashing right away, which Bathelzid forgave them, knowing how difficult it can be to stop enthusiastic knights on a quest. After some scuffling, the biggest knight raised his visor and shouted. “Hallo up there!”

 “Do you think you can stop that noise? I’m trying to read here, you see.”

 There was a pause while the Brothers of the Order conferred. Finally, the same knight replied, “We’re terribly sorry to interrupt, but if you’ll come down so we can burn you, we’ll be off by nightfall.”

 “Burn me?!”

 “Yes, sir, you see, there’s a matter of a cow that quit giving milk, and a weaver that was struck blind, a vat of beer that went sour, and a barmaid that committed herself to holy vows since you came through town last. Now the cow and the weaver are merely flogging offenses by the rules of the Order, and normally that would be that. But when it comes to messing with the beer and the barmaids, well sir, you can see how it comes down to principles.”

 Bathelzid sighed, and thought for a moment. “When did this happen? The non milking and the blinding and the souring and the.. errr.. chastity-ing?”

 “The Monday before last!”

 “I’m sorry, good sir knights, but I haven’t left this tower since the Friday before the Monday before last, and it’s been a good 6 years since I visited a town. You have the wrong tower, though I do appreciate the advice on travel.. it’s always good to know where the sour beer and chaste barmaids are for avoidance purposes.”

 This time the knights argued more vociferously, and Bathelzid leaned on his window ledge, slightly bored now, and wondering if at least the bashing would stop so he could return to his book.

 “Err.. Wizard!” the knight shouted hesitantly.

 “Yes, sir knight?”

 “I’m sorry, but the description was for a gnarled old man with long white hair and beard and a clever mouth. That fits you perfectly, so I’m afraid we’re going to have to burn you after all.”

 Bathelzid was very close to losing his patience now. “You imbecile! There are lots of old men, and I don’t care for your remarks about me being gnarled; but I daresay you are too far away to appreciate just how well preserved I am. As for the state of my hair and beard, what in bloody hell do you expect? Scissors haven’t been invented yet!”

 “Sorry, Wizard, but you fit the description, and while burning you won’t undo your foul magicks, we’ll get to roast some sausages over you, and we expect it’ll be a good afternoon.”

 By now the book was exerting its siren’s call to Bathelzid, and he had a particularly naughty idea. To be fair, he had been irked mightily, but in the end, the entire undeclared war between wizards and the outside world can be blamed on the fact that Bathelzid didn’t simply give them the directions to Numbingus the Nasty’s tower and invite the Order of the Ale Soaked et cetera to burn him instead.

 With a muttered incantation and a wave of his hand, Bathelzid made the entire Order believe they were ferrets.

 While actually turning someone into a ferret or a frog or a newt was frowned upon for the annoyance and reproductive factors, it could be mightily amusing to make someone believe they had changed into some other creature. Indeed, Bathelzid’s book lay undisturbed for quite some time as he watched the pride of the Order of Ale Soaked et cetera scurry about, scarying away their horses, the local wildlife, and gathering a small crowd of laughing wizards.

 Of course, as midnight came, the spell was broken. The wizards had long since repaired to Wyndlestaff the Winemaker’s tower, so the no longer enchanted knights had no choice but to gather their scattered gear and mounts and slink away, cursing the foul users of magic.

 The crusaders still came; all confident that it was all muscle over matter and that they would be victorious. It got to be a kind of competition amongst the wizards to see who could oust them in the most creative, least costly, fastest, and most clever ways.

 They met on Midsummer’s Eve Eve every other leap year for the purpose of awarding the prizes. The prizes themselves were well worth striving for; the winners of the competition were permitted free access to all of their neighbors’ libraries. Now understand, a wizard will guard his moldy pages as ardently as a newly chaste barmaid guards her virtue, so this was no small concession being offered.

 The rules were quite simple. There was no outright killing allowed, wizards being on the whole a folk that believe themselves above such tawdry primal urges, and they were not permitted to do what Bathelzid the Bemused probably ought to have done in the first place. That is, to reveal to the knights who it was they should have been looking for and how to find them. I suppose that rule was because every wizard has done something out in the world that he or she is not particularly proud of, and no one wanted to have to answer for a slight misdeed that would, of course, at this point be blown entirely out of proportion to the original minor wrongdoing.

And on things went in this one sided war and other sided game. It became the popular thing in the outside world to send one’s sons out to face the wizards when they became a bit too belligerent about how they should have handled it, had they been there when Uncle Manfred rode to battle. A wise decision, as every teenager in the world could do with a bit of humbling, and the wizards managed to find their apprentices without having to go too far afield if all of the local talent was being sent straight to them.

 For all this storyteller knows, that valley is still nestled away, and the wizards are still having their chuckles. So if you should be lucky enough to find that valley, remember not to stand under a ripe custard tree, and never ever refer to the inhabitants as old or gnarled.

 

Then again, you may enjoy being a ferret.

Random Writing- All the Whys

So… first, the Big Cheese said, “Someone turn on the damn lights.”

And we did.

And the light was kinda okay. I mean, how much do you really want out of a heavenly light that illuminates a whole lot of emptiness?

Apparently the Big Cheese reached that conclusion himself, cause then he put something in the middle of the vast darkness. He’s a showy kinda guy, so he made it explode, then looked back over his shoulder to make sure we appreciated the fireworks.

And we said, “Oooh. Aahhh.”

And it was.. well, something to look at with the light and the dark, but overall, no one was terribly impressed after the sparks were done shooting.

The Big Cheese coughed, apparently noticing something like that on his own. Which is good, cause you hate to be the guy that has to tell the boss his work isn’t all that impressive.

“Right!” he said, and we all nodded. And we waited.

And waited.

“Right!” he said again, and again, we all nodded. We’re awesome as yes men, always have been, probably always will be.

He clapped his hands briskly in front of him, and looked alarmed when a bunch of leftover sparks shot forth. “Well then… you know, boys, I’ve been working awfully hard with deciding to create the universe and everything. So I’ve decided to leave the whole life thing to Gabe and Mike. C’mon forward, boys.”

The lucky bastards, we all muttered, as they went to pick up the tools of the trade as it were. “Be sure you help ‘em out, guys, it’s a big responsibility getting all these little details right. Lots of species… and you all know this has to be done on time and on budget.” He gave Gabe and Mike a stern look to make sure his words sank in. “You’ll be alright though, there’s a good list of directions to follow.”

“So, right then… I’m off to go do what it is I do, which I’m sure I’ll figure out while you guys get that life thing going.” And just like that, the Big Cheese disappeared, going beyond the light and dark and everything else that he’d just created.

Mike looked at Gabe, who looked back at Mike.

“So.. what do we have to work with here?”

We gathered around as they opened the box. There was a sheet of instructions right on top, but no one could read them, so we shunted them off to one side.

Under that, though.. there were just more boxes. Thousands of them, all packed nice and neatly.

“Alright, we’re in charge here,” Gabe said, trying to sound like the Big Cheese. “Rafe, you take the first ten. Uriel, you’ve got the second ten, and so on and so on. Then just take them to a quiet corner and figure it out.”

“Yeah, good idea,” Mike piped up, the yes man yes manning us all to doom. “I mean, it’s just life, how hard can it be?”

By the time I got there, we were to the bottom of the box, and it turned out that there were just 5 left. They were pretty big, so I felt okay about not getting left out. I carried them over to my corner, and examined them closely.

The first one said ‘Immortality’ across the top, ‘use only for long term projects’ under that in smaller letters, and ‘brought to you by the finest mind at VoE’.

Surreptitiously, I looked around.

Rafe had all of his boxes open at once, and there were bits of crawling fleshy things moving towards each other that didn’t really seem to belong together. Over in Remy’s corner, the box said ‘Man’ and ‘some assembly required’.

I kicked the first box to one side. Just saving money on that budget, boss… cause none of this stuff looks like it should be immortal.

And wow, am I efficient or what? I’m already a fifth of the way through this job, and Mike’s still trying to jam wings onto that horse, I thought, and buffed my nails on my lapel.

The second box said ‘Foreknowledge’. Then, ‘use only for the enlightened’. I thought about that, rubbing my chin and trying to appear enlightened myself. “Hey, who’s got the dominant species again?”

“I do!” called Remy, as he jammed an ungainly collaboration of parts together. I gave it a long, considering look, and then looked at what Rafe was up to.

“Hey, those things have claws and teeth, right?”

“Yeah, tons of ‘em. I think all of them should end up with something like that,” Rafe said distractedly as he struggled to shove a whole lot of jagged teeth into a huge gaping mouth.

“Wait, man doesn’t have anything nearly as functional as that! Slide some of those parts over here, for man!” yelled Remy as he spied some of the weaponry set to go on Rafe’s projects.

“No way, no sharing parts!” Gabe had arrived on the scene, all authoritarian.

“But man doesn’t have a chance! Look at him… he’s all scrawny and fragile.” And when Remy held up the limp, wingless thing, we all kind of nodded, but Gabe held firm.

“Look there’s no point in doing this thing if we don’t go by the book.. err,” he said, casting one glance at the manual we’d tossed to one side. “Well, at least don’t go mixing up the parts!”

“Man,” we all said, shaking our heads. And the word, at that moment, became synonymous with ‘you’re screwed’.

On the other hand, that meant box two was out of the way, since clearly man was not going to live long enough to become enlightened at this rate.

The third box said ‘Peace’, and there was no descriptor. I couldn’t work without knowing more about it, and Mike and Gabe seemed to be really busy with this wine stuff that was in one of Uriel’s boxes, so it joined the other two.

The fourth box said ‘Time’, then ‘for a linear outlay of events’, and that seemed like a good idea, so I opened it, but it was empty. “Feh,” I said, then Uriel came and shared some of his wine and it was good.

So it took me awhile longer to look into the last box, which said ‘Pestilence’. Underneath that it said ‘for population control’.

Part of me thought that we didn’t have enough of a population to control yet, but the other part thought that we might someday, so just open the damn box and have done with it. After all, only using one out of five boxes was going to look like I wasn’t really working.

Besides, I needed to finish up so I could help Rafe with the animal problem. In the end we all had to pitch in on that one, and we wanted to go back to the instructions, but this thing Rafe kept calling a dragon set them on fire.

Apparently the Big Cheese didn’t read the directions either, cause when he got back, he was full of praise for all of life, and wasted no time taking the credit for it.

Gabe and Mike were kinda sore about that, but still managed to take whatever credit there was left to take.

As for the rest of us, we learned the universal truth. If work gets passed down far enough, no one really has to take any blame for the stuff that went wrong.

And it was good.