I was pacing around in the charming not at all like a caged beast way that I do as Rick was drying off from his shower, and worrying a piece of rose quartz a friend got me between my fingers.

Rick- What’s that?

Me, holding it up for inspection- It’s a rock.

Rick- Well, couldn’t really see that without my glasses, you know. Why are you keeping a rock in your pocket?

Me- It’s supposed to help dispell negative feelings and bring about a sense of healing and peace. I know, kind of a lot to put on a rock.

Rick, staring at my hands thoughtfully- I think you need a bigger rock.

I haven’t been out a great deal since late February, and when I do, I mask up. I got some dragon scaley ones off etsy that I wear that I thought were cute.

So figure.. a trip to Starbucks cause I wasn’t allowed to drive through for an online order, two trips to get cigarettes for mom, and hospital trips… and every time, wearing the mask has gotten me compliments.

And then I realized.. people get to interact with me without thinking of what’s under the mask. Yes, my scars aren’t as holy chao wtf as they once were, but they are still there, and they are pretty noticeable. Wearing the mask means it’s not something you notice about me at all… and that feels very freeing to me.

Yes, I accept who I am, and I’ve found the beauty within myself. It’s been a long fucking journey to get there, too. But to be able to not have to present that to the world… it’s just kind of nice. I get to be just me, no prejudgments, and it’s not weird cause everyone should be wearing one anyway.

Me and the Dread Pirate Roberts…

A few thoughts, in no particular order cause just no.

Waiting sucks. Audiobook is going through the QA process, and taking the time it takes. I don’t like waiting. I can’t plan for much on the launch cause waiting. Bah, waiting.

Adulting sucks. I took care of my taxes and the census paperwork today because well, I didn’t want to wait until the absolute last minute and be THAT person.

Covid sucks. While other things kept us from going to Galaxy’s Edge in February, Covid kept us from getting to have our long awaited return to the Dragon Thrones castle. Instead, there was an online version that…. well, wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. I took a lot of precautions to put myself into the character, and didn’t really get to stay immersed for any length of time. There were folks I was looking forward to playing with that I didn’t get to see much of, and some folks I saw way way too much of.. like graphically. So yeah, screw covid.

Fresenius Home Dialysis of Rio Rancho SUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. My stepdad has been gone almost a month now, and they keep shipping supplies to my mother, which, naturally, she finds pretty upsetting. I’ve been emailing and calling the RN who was handling my stepdad’s care, and about the first thing she said when I finally got her on the phone was that she took no personal responsibility for the situation. That was roughly a week ago, and there was another delivery today. The RN responded back with just a phone number. Not a single word beyond that. Livid doesn’t begin to cover it.

That said, the whole time didn’t suck… Rick and I got to hang out and just do stuff. Big things, little things… reminded me just how he can make me laugh when we have the time to appreciate it. I think we need to put date nights back on the calendar.

Oh, and if yall could remember to get masks over your pieholes when you go out and remind others to do the same so we can ever get out of lockdown, that’d be nice, too.

I think it’s fair to stipulate that America has a kind of love affair with the idea of the rugged individualist. The maverick, the one that stands for their values against all the forces of fate and society because dammit, that’s what they believe and damn the consequences, they will stand.

I get it- a lot of those concepts and words I used also fall into our popular definition of hero, and who doesn’t wanna be a hero? We also influence that attachment to our identities- be you, listen to your voice, know thyself… hang onto that thought, we’re going to come back to it later.

Right now, of course, the ground to stand on has been oh so helpfully defined by the folks in power- and that’s on both sides of the aisle, by the way. And boy, are they ever contemptuous of people that don’t stand with them.

What I find really interesting is the method of shaming of others for people who don’t share the ideals- here’s a short list-

“I bet you’re too scared..”

“I bet you don’t have the balls..”

“There’s something wrong with you if…”

“Everyone has lost their minds…”

“Anyone else got the guts to..”

“I dare you to…”

OK, so, let’s unpack this a little bit… what I’m seeing is that we have an awful lot of folk walking around, convinced that most people are in agreement but lack the spinal or intestinal or testicular fortitude to stand up for whatever the rest of their point is.

Shorthand? I’m a rugged individualist, and everyone secretly thinks like me unless they are crazy or a coward.

And everyone should find their own voices, unless they don’t sound like mine.. but paradoxically, if someone is following guidance I don’t agree with, they are a sheep.

I look at all this, with all of the examples the universe has seen fit to provide lately, and I’ll be honest, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Here’s what I will say- I have no problem with standing for the things I believe in, and I like to think they are pretty universal. If you’re curious- I believe kids have the right to be taken care of and get to grow up in the best circumstances we can give them. I believe in caring about people around me, and would hope they care about me, too. I believe that I have a responsibility to the world at large to try and live a good life, to help lift others up so that they in turn can do the same. I believe unkindness is rampant because it is comfortable.

I spent a lot of my life thinking I wasn’t a good person, that my voice wasn’t important or intelligent or useful. I don’t think that anymore- but I also don’t think my voice is more important, more intelligent or more useful. I respect the fact that there are people that don’t think like I do… that only ends when those opinions stand to cause harm to others being able to see the value in their voices.

If you’ve followed me all the way to the end here, I hope you believe me when I say, from the bottom of my heart- my hope for everyone is that you can be you. Find your authentic voice from what you’ve learned, what you’ve achieved, and who you are.

And if you define yourself by romanticized concepts of the past, weeeellllll…. it would be my hope that you dig a little deeper. The world keeps on moving, and we can give more to it and to ourselves if we live in the present.

So- yesterday we got our character sheets for the game- I’m continuing as my same character, Rick got a little bit of a reroll, but got to keep the components he was fondest of.

As you can imagine, we were pouring over our sheets, but as we’re in opposing houses, maybe not sharing toooo much of what was there.

Me- So yeah… I can fly!

Rick, still reading- I got a cool name, pretty close to Thor… and my weapon from last game. Cool.

Me- But… can you fly?

Rick, looking up with that mischievous grin that lets me easily picture 10 year old Rick- Do you have a breath weapon?

Me- Wait, WHAT?!

Rick- Can you breathe fire?

Me, scanning sheet again- Nooooo….

Flying’s better. I think.

It’s funny- when I started thinking about the modifications to the chivalric code, it felt like it meant stepping away from acts of confrontation when it comes to accountability.

After a few holy chao is this really a conversation type conversations on the tradition of fireworks getting waaaaay out of hand over the past week or so, I’ve realized that’s not actually the case. You can do this-

To live taking into account the happiness of others, and endeavoring to add to it

and this-

To fight for the welfare of all

Without wantonly giving offense.

And it’s not even really that hard, once you keep the code in mind. In a lot of conversations about the rights of celebrating the 4th the traditional way, all that was needed was to point out that one person’s fun should end when another’s safety or peace of mind was harmed.

It’s true, it’s necessary to be stated, and if you’re offended by that- well, you probably needed to be offended. And then, through all of the dodges, denials, excuses, et cetera (and boy was there a LOT of et cetera), you don’t have to do anything but restate the central point. To set off illegal fireworks in the middle of the city at any damn hour you choose is thoughtless, unkind, and harms others. Period, end of list.

Yeah, I got called Scrooge and liberal (like it’s a dirty word) and too old/too young/too stupid to understand why it was so important to blow shit up, but no one could tell me I was wrong.

And maybe, just maybe, the folks that were reading but doing so quietly realized that maybe next year, they should drive their happy asses out to an uninhabited part of the mesa if they want to go shoot that stuff off.

While I feel good about expressing my opinion firmly, what I don’t feel good about is the realization that so many people don’t seem to have a single care for the harm they cause because they want to do something. They minimize it (Oh, it’s not that bad. It’s only for an hour. That’s the way we’ve always done it. But the kids really enjoy it!) and carry right on with whatever not great plan they had. I know that sounds simplistic and, in a way, naive and stupid. But there’s a part of me that still thinks if you say, “Hey please stop smacking me in the head, it hurts” that the barebones response is to stop the smacking. One step up would be to apologize for the smacking, with the best response being to apologize AND learn from it that smacking people in the head is not a good thing to do AND try to guard against accidental smackage.

I know, I’m a dreamer, but you know? I’m not the only one.

It’s been a strange, strange time of life.

And before the latest twists and turns really got going, Rick wanted a new bathtub, and me being me, I turned it into completely gutting the bathroom and renovating the whole thing.

In case you feel badly for poor Rick at this point, I’d like to remind you that it’s been a month of utilizing the spare facilities without a door. You don’t much think about the store you put in a door until you ain’t got one.

The most recent piece has been the wallpaper. We thought we were being smart little childrens in getting peel and stick wallpaper, and to be completely fair, it probably is easier than the wet and stick stuff.

But easier is not equal to easy.

But doesn’t it look cool?

So, after watching Rick wrestle this stuff for two days while I worked on work and cookies and various putterings in my courtyard, I was concerned when I saw him coming in from the garage with a crowbar and a thunderous expression.

Me- Ah, hon, you’re looking a little grim this morning.

Rick, still Rickfaced, continuing to advance.

Me- Whatever I did, I swear I’m really truly sorry, I didn’t mean to I swear!

Rick, wrapping am arm around me and pulling me in for a cuddle- This isn’t for you, it’s for the baseboards.

Me, cuddling back- Oh good, I’m sure whatever they did, they totally deserve it. Sic ’em.

Yeah, I know, right? It’s weird to be able to type that, but fact is, the fantastic, marvelous, stupendous Meredith Bennie finished book 1 of the series and it’s currently awaiting approval for sale at Amazon, Audible, and iTunes. I’m told this takes about a month-ish, so I haven’t scheduled a launch party or anything.

But for now… wanna hear?????

When I’m a little less scatterbrained, I’ll be sitting down to write out what this process has been like, and hopefully encourage more folks to give it a try. For now, I’ll say that hearing Nessa speak in reality like she always has in my head has been an incredible experience, as has partnering with someone who appreciated the characters the way that I do and even gave me fresh insight into people I’ve been carrying in my head for literal years now.

There’s been a level of ambivalence in my work for me- I saw an excellent piece of advice of trying to write the book you’d want to read, and I finally tried it, as opposed to trying to force myself to be clever and finding the characters felt plastic. I think time plays a part in it too; I first started on Nessa’s story about five years ago, and in having that distance as well as a few other books under my belt, I find I appreciate the balances more now than I did then.

I honestly think my book doesn’t suck. I believe there’s an audience for it; maybe moreso now that there’s an actual wry tone bringing life and wit to Nessa that’s easier heard than read. At least in my opinion.

It’s been a very strange time, I think for everyone. Being into social justice as a concept is now pretty mainstream. The political situation in our country… well, whatever view you may take, it’s clear that leadership and change isn’t really coming from that direction.

So, like I do, I got to thinking about it. How do you make a difference within your sphere of influence? And more than that, how do you build the habits to keep making that difference a habit that is top of mind rather than a series of one offs?

That thinking led me to a few different paths, and I hope you’ll wander with me a little ways.

I have some favorite essays that I like to refer people to. And while I could sum them up, I think they are too profoundly moving not to share.

No Zero Days

Today you, Tomorrow Me

Got those parts? Okay, good.

Now thinking about those got me to thinking a little bit differently about what it takes to be in the place where you can give of yourself. You have to be kind to and love yourself so you have something of yourself to give to others.

That got me a little further down the path to another group of people who were committed to supporting their community and making the world a better place- and that landed me on reading up on the Code of Chivalry.

And then I started editing to set up a code that I want to try living by myself for awhile, and see how my world feels after a month.

To appreciate the world around you for all it gives
To serve your three selves with no zero days
To offer an ear to those that need it, making their concerns your concerns
To give what you have to spare to those in need of it that cross your path
To refrain from the wanton giving of offence
To live taking into account the happiness of others, and endeavoring to add to it
To turn away from self promotion of deeds done for others
To fight for the welfare of all
To eschew unfairness, meanness and deceit
To keep faith
To speak the truth when it is kind, necessary, and useful
To persevere to the end in the enterprises in which you engage, unless it contradicts any other part of the code.

If anyone is interested in joining my little Mission to Civilize, I think there’s a lot of benefit to be had by supporting one another in finding ways to not have Zero Days, and highlight inspirational acts from outside the group.

The timeline of your life is marked by a lot of different kinds of events. Some are the little demarcations of a trip or a time when you knew so and so before life swept you in different directions. Some are joyous things, the creation of family, beginning a new chapter, or starting a journey. While there are marks in our minds for each of these, they are of the light sort that blend together with all of the busyness of living.

Some, though, some cut through the heart and to the soul, and they are harder to bear. They are the ones that crack your world in half, forever separating some part of you into before and after.

It’s almost a joke at this point that I called Rod my stepdad- and I can remember the face he made the first time I did it in front of him, even though it’s technically 100% accurate. But the truth goes beyond technicalities- Rod is one of the last people that’s been a part of my life that has known me since I first came to Albuquerque, over twenty years ago. We worked together, and managed to form a friendship that survived time, distance, divorces, and yes, him becoming, technically, my stepdad. There’s a few times in life when you run across that person that gets you- the person that it doesn’t matter how infrequently you talk or how much or little you say- you can always resume that special level of comfort and acceptance with one another. Whatever you want to call it, it’s just there, and if it’s not there it won’t get there for all the wanting in the world.

Today, we had to say goodbye for a while, along with a lot of other things that needed saying. I’m deeply joyful that we got the chance to say those things; it was an especially rare and priceless gift that I will treasure until we meet again. I’m grateful that there will be no more pain for him soon.

But oh, how I miss him. I’m not sorry that I’m carrying this new mark, no matter how hard it is to bear in the next days, weeks, and months- to regret that would be like wishing I’d never known him.

And that I could never do.