Lately, there’s been a lot of talk about getting a new tub in the guest bathroom. The one that’s there is original to the house, which means 70’s, which means dinky, and generally old and busted. There’s also an old and busted faucet leak that wants fixing, so handling one means the rest can all get taken care of, too. Win win.

Ish. Rick has never done a plumbing project quite this big before. And I don’t really have either the time or the inclination to assist, what with those 57,000 other projects going on in the Arisphere.

So as he clicked ‘Buy’ on the amazing new whirlpool tub we picked, a musing came to me that led to this conversation.

 

Me- Now I know what it’s like for you when I say ‘I’m going to go write a book!’

Rick- How’s that?

Me- Well, I can’t really do anything to help except listen and give lots of ideas that may or may not be helpful and kind of cheer you on. And like you know you will get to read the book someday, I know I will get to soak in the tub!

Rick- Sounds about right. Except…

Me- Except what?

Rick- Well, not really… but was thinking when you write a book you know what you’re doing, but that’s not always true.

Me, laughing uproariously- oh my god, that is SO far from true!

 

Wishing Rick well on his tubly adventure, while I go back to mine.

So yesterday, Mr. Wellman came padding into my office very urgently in his stocking feet.

I want you to understand how very unusual this is- unless he’s in bed this man has shoes on… so I knew I needed to push pause on anything else that was going on and see what revelation he had for me.

Rick pointed at his shirt.. this shirt.

 

Me, looking at him blankly- Uh huh?

Rick- Just goes to show, even then, GI Joe knew! He was trying to prepare us for 2020! Except maybe for number two.

 

You know, he’s not wrong.

 

Last night was not a great sleep night… either my dinner or the cheap ass tequila I slugged down with it did NOT agree with me, and I found myself awake at 1am. Sometimes when my stomach goes acid, it helps to sit up awhile, so I tried that. And then laid back down.

Stomach said, No Bitch.

With a sigh, and not wanting to keep Rick up by arguing with my stomach about if I was allowed to lay down or not, I went into my office and semi reclined and went back to sleep.

This morning, I filled Rick in.

 

Rick- Aw, I didn’t know you were worried about me getting enough sleep!

Me- Well yeah, you have problems if you don’t get enough sleep. You get grumpy.

Rick, muttering- You know, most people get grumpy if they don’t get enough sleep.

Me- Yes, and when you’re grumpy you don’t have the patience that transforms the annoyingness that is me into whimsical magic!

Rick looks skeptical.

Me, fluttering hands- Whimsical. Magic.

So- I had me an idea on how to end the discussion forever and ever amen. I have a nice stainless steel fridge.. and I had a dry erase marker. So I put this list up on the fridge of things I could conceivably cook with the contents therein.

 

Rick, walking up and observing as I was not even halfway done with the list, points at tacos.

Me, smacks his hand- NO! I’m not done with the list yet! Wait until the whole list is up there, dammit!

Rick- Did you see if it washes off?

Me, momentarily stricken- Uh no. But it’s fine, this is just what you’re having for dinner forever, that’s all.

We both busted out laughing. I finished the list, then made sure it would wipe off and sighed with relief when it did.

Me- So there. We never have to have that conversation again, I’ll just update the list when shopping happens and WE’RE DONE. NO MORE. THOSE ARE THE OPTIONS!!!

I put the pen on the counter with a thud of finality and headed back down the hall to the office, visions of angry monkey pointing at the list whenever Rick inevitably stood in the kitchen to ask what’s for food dancing in my head. Angrily.

Rick, still staring at the list and pointing at tacos- Well, not quite.

Me- What do you mean?! The whole list, its RIGHT THERE.

Rick- Yeah, until you don’t feel like cooking.

Me- when I get better pens, we’ll talk about that! For now, that’s your list!!!

 

The better pens are on order from Amazon.

 

There’s a certain ritual that ensues here at the casa… and it happens, well, not every night, but pretty damn close.

Tonight, the bloody man threw me a curveball I didn’t appreciate.

 

Rick- So, what are we doing about the food situation?

Me, sighing- What, already?

Rick- It’s five o’clock, we last ate at 11am.

Me- so what do you want? (Just knowing that the next question will be ‘what are my options?’

Rick, distracted by text message from Home Despot, we talk about order pickup for a few minutes before circling back.

Rick- you know what I’m going to ask.

Me- ANYTHING YOU WANT TO PUT IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH HOLE, SIR!

Rick, blinking mildly- I was going to ask if you wanted to cook or order something.

Me- That’s not fair! That’s cheating! You switched it up on me! That’s not okay!

Cue the inevitable hysterical laughter before we order a pizza.

We really need the lockdown to be over. We entertain ourselves waaaaaay too well.

 

Thanks to covid or the rona or the effects of Sweet Potato Hitler’s stupidity, however you like to phrase it, we’ve been puttering around on our little projects over the past few weeks. Lucky me, I’m high risk, so I’ve been in my home or, on two memorable occasions in Rick’s truck for a month now.

When we bought this place, I was charmed by the idea that I, Ari Wellman, had a courtyard. It sounded so classy and I wondered whatever we should do with the space to really make it special.

Well, for about 8 years, absofreakinlutely nothing. There are planter cutouts in the middle, and occasionally I’d try playing something in them to see if it took. Roses didn’t, mint and morning glories did.

The problem with sitting there in the summertime was that there was no shade.. and all fully enclosed concrete walled space in summer in New Mexico without shade.. bah HA to using that brick oven to sit in and sip wine after April 1. So it kind of became a dumping ground for anything that probably should have gone to the trash or the garage but just wasn’t.

A couple of years ago, I decided this wasn’t going to get it. I bought a pair of pergolas, one to go on each side of the walkway, some basic furniture, and decreed that we would by god USE the courtyard. I even got a gate for the front so our pups could come hang out with us.

The next year, I added a container garden and a fire pit. And don’t get me wrong, it’s nice… but there was still just something missing.

I know some of you are going, omfg Ari, could you get to the funny little chat with Rick and stahhhp.

No, I can’t. This is my courtyard and I love it.

So I sat and thought for awhile- part of the problem was that there was too much blank, tan canvas at eye level.. needed to break that up. Not enough greenery, needed to get more container stuff, but in a way it was at eye level instead of ground level.

And I wanted to do something whimsical with light.

OK, cue tapestry hangings to break up all the tan on the walls, a new planter with a trellis for the english ivy to climb, a repurposed plant stand to sit in the corner, and a few small pieces of dragon statuary, cause fuck, this is MY courtyard, right?

I figured all of this would create more of a lush Aladdin’s cave garden feel to it, so why not have some magical floating lights? I tried hanging some battery powered Mason jar lights and really liked the effect- but I’m lazy so I wanted something more automated and energy efficient.

Cue me buying up a bunch of fairy light solar inserts for Mason jars with little metal hangers. And me turning each one on only to find they only lit up for a split second, if at all.

Me- WTF is this? I wasted my money, none of these are staying lit.

Rick- the wires seem pretty flimsy and thin.. could it be a break?

Me- don’t think I won’t get a voltmeter and check.

Rick, possibly not wanting me into his tool set, but still snickering- maybe they just need to charge up.

 

OK, fiiiine. I spread all the little lids out on the table in the sun to soak up all that power up juice and went back to them yesterday evening.

 

Me- they still aren’t freaking lighting. Grab me a regular triple A, would you?

Rick- they definitely got enough sun!

Me- and it won’t even light up with the triple A! OMG, I’ve wasted money and a bunch of time on these bitchly things. /puts down jar on the table with a sigh, goes back to other errands, like using a shop vac to clean the stone.

 

After dark-

Rick- Uh.. they are all lit up now

Me- WHAT?!

We both stood in the doorway and stared as every jar we’d put together was twinkling at us merrily.

 

Rick- Oh my god… they are smart enough to only light up when it’s dark.

Me- so the few that lit for a second-

Rick- your hand must have been over the sensor, so it thought it was dark.

Me- well. shit. We have 8 more jars to do, then.

Rick- it’s a bitch when the tech is smarter than we are.

And, being us, we got to the point of laughing at ourselves over it.

 

This morning, I caught Rick sitting down to the computer with the manual to the new washer in it.

 

Me- what are you up to?

Rick- figuring out how to use the new washer- did you know it weighs each load to insure the appropriate wash time?

Me- oh hell.. you’re never going to know when the washer is done! Wait, isn’t that the one that has bluetooth?

Rick, nodding- yeah, it’ll tell me when it’s done, I think. I haven’t gotten to that part yet. It’s usually the dryer I time by anyway.

Me- soooo.. I need to get you a smarter dryer…

Rick, muttering something about stupid smart tech.

 

So yeah, don’t worry about us, we’re doing okay and finding out just how smart we’re not… cause sometimes we’re the better idiot that this stuff was built to outwit.

Not only IS the rum gone, but it’s actually been gone for awhile. The only beer in the fridge is Bud Light (/herk), the liquor in the cabinets is either the really high end stuff we keep on hand for select guests or those spur of the moment purchases that weren’t that great an idea after all. Generic limoncello is just not okay.

Even the last jar of ‘shine is down to the dregs. It’s scary times, yall.

So while I was sitting on the couch, mulling this predicament, it occurred to me to wonder if Total Wine did curbside pickup.

And it turns out they do! they do do curbside pickup!

Feverishly, I begin inputting my order on my phone- I had to hit a five o clock deadline to get it tomorrow, and who knows? Maybe if I really hurried I could lie in the sweet arms of Bacchus tonight?!

Me- I GOT WINE! AND RUM! AND MARGARITAS!

Rick- I still haven’t agreed to do this pick up for you, you know.

Me, eyeing Rick with laser focused attention and cold calculation- You know what they say, dear. Happy wife, happy life.

Rick- /sigh

 

And ladies and gents… not even an hour later, that sweetest of sounds came to my ears.

 

Rick- I got a text, your order is ready for pickup.

Me, batting lashes- I love you…

Rick- /sigh I’m going, I’m going.

 

He’s a smart, smart man that Rick of mine.

You might have heard about the toilet paper hoarding issue going on in the US. I decided I had THE. SOLVE. for that nonsense.

I bought a bidet on Amazon.

Of course, as I was in the course of trying to get the bidet from my cart to paid for, it sold out. On three different bidets, so clearly I’m not the only one that had that lightbulb moment.

So it came in, and Rick, after a minimum of nagging, installed it.

And came into the room, gesturing at it with mischief.

Rick- It’s ready for the road test.

Me- Oh no no no no. Don’t you remember what happened when Ronny put the new brakes on the van? We put EVERYONE INCLUDING HIM in to test drive it.

Rick- I don’t think that’s going to work for this situation.

Me- But but but… you installed it, you should test it.

Rick- I don’t need to right now. And you said you did, which is why I needed to install it. (I did say minimum of nagging.)

Me- But it’s your work!

Rick- But more of the settings are geared for you. /evil grin

Me- /sigh FINE.

I’m pleased to report that all is in functioning order.

 

Bonus conversation-

Rick offered to take me with him on an errand today, and let me wait in the car. I’m classified high risk, so I’ve been in for the past.. oh.. 19 days or so. But you know, who’s counting?

 

Me- So it’s like I’m getting to go for a ride like I’m a dog?

Rick, grinning- Pretty much.

Me, grumbling but still getting into the truck- It is kind of a nice day.

Rick, watching me stare avidly out the windows at all the signs of spring- I’m almost surprised you aren’t rolling down the windows and sticking your head out.

Me- Imma gonna hafta tell ever’body that I gots to go for me a car ride today. Mebbe I’ll even git to honk the horn!

Cue a truck in front of us almost taking off the front bumper.

Me- I AM AGONNA GIT TO HONK THE HORN! ASSHOLE!

Rick cracked the windows on the way home.

Me- I almost kinda do want to stick my head out.. of course, with my luck, that’s how I’d catch covid.

Rick just laughed.