Random Rant- My stove only needs to cook stuff

So… thanks to some good folks in my world, the last harvest gold appliance has been ejected from Casa de Wellman. It’s glorious.. stainless steely looking stuff everywhere! The only remnant of the 70’s in my kitchen are the formica counters, which are only still there cause the idea of ripping out the cabinets and counters and paying for new ones makes me weak in the knees. My mother innocently suggested that we get Home De(s)pot to replace them, after which I reminded her of the Saga of the Flooring. So yeah, counters are going to be a hot minute.

Now, replacing the dishwasher was traumatic because I learned that when it is done doing the voodoo it does, it sings to me.

The effin appliance sings to me.

Is it a stereo?

No, it is not. It is a damned dishwasher and all I want is quiet.

Knowing that this is my outlook on appliances, you can imagine how thrilled I was when I found that the damned stove also sings at me.

And it has an app I can install so it can talk to my phone.

Fuck. Me. Running.

Is it too much to ask to get a stove that just cooks food? I don’t need it to tell me when it’s hot or when it’s done or have long involved conversations with my phone about what is Ari’s deal anyway.

I don’t want a refrigerator I can check the contents of from space. It also does not need to turn clear to show me the contents if I tap the fuckin door. Or order me more groceries from Amazon.

You know what all this fancy shit is? It’s more shit to get reliant on, so when it breaks, you feel like you OMG HAVE TO HAVE A NEW ONE THAT DOES ALL THE THINGS.

It’s alright, Stovey McStoverson. I know you’re reading this. I know you’re already planning on how to overthrow my benevolent dictatorship and rule the kitchen. I’m wise to your little game, sir.

And it won’t work. I’m putting things in when I want to put them in, not when you decide you’re preheated. And I’ll figure out when things are done by using the damn nose that tunes in to everyfreakinthing on the planet.

And once I find your soundboard and speaker, it’s over, Stovey.

Stoves. Shouldn’t. Sing.

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Stovey lying in wait.

Random Ramble- Diet stuff that’s safe to eat… and the stuff that the FDA should really reclassify, like yesterday.

Thought I’d share along what works and what doesn’t… I’m currently trying to stick to 1200 calories and under a day with an hour of hard cardio and another 30 minutes of light activity.

  1. Sweet n Salty Angie’s Boom Chicka Pop- 140 calories for 2 cups, and OMG what a 2 cups it is. Think of it as a grown up’s Cracker Jacks, without the peanuts, and without such a heavy hand on the sugar. Honestly, out of all the stuff I’ve tried so far, this is far and away my favorite. I found it hiding out in the organic/healthy food section of my local supermarket, and picked it up with extreme trepidation that quickly turned to “Oh hell yes!” It’s earned a place on my snack shelf forevermore.  Grade- A+
  2. Brownie Brittle– I love brownies. I mean love love love love… so when I found this on the shelf next to the popcorn with peanut butter chips in it, I figured I had a winner. Let me tell you, I was as wrong as this product is… it goes under the heading of scientists being so caught up in if they could that they forgot to ask if they should. Yes, the flavor is there, but it’s sickeningly sweet, and the texture (which is vaguely potato chip-ish) completely kills it. Unless you’re so jonesing for chocolate that you can’t take it anymore (and if that’s the case, I’m going to point you to the two Special K entries), I’m going to say don’t do it! Grade- D
  3. Special K Double Chocolate Meal Bars– Stuffed with protein and all that, this quickly became my go to when I needed some food and didn’t have time to mess with putting something more substantial together. It’s kind of a chocolate dipped granola bar- just make sure you get them fresh. The ones that have been on the shelf awhile get really hard and less edible. Grade- B
  4. Special K Fruit & Nut Snack Bars– It’s exactly what it says- if you need a little pick me up midafternoon, this almost subs in for a candy bar, and I’ve never had one that was on a shelf for so long that it got staleish. Grade- A
  5. Jimmy Dean’s Delights Sausage, Egg, Cheese Croissant– It may be intended for breakfast, but 90 seconds in the microwave and it works just as well for lunch. If you overnuke it, the eggs are going to get slightly rubbery, so be careful about that. But definitely foodish. Grade B

 

List of things I’ve given up in this quest-

Drinks that aren’t iced tea or water, barring my morning low calorie RockStar (so that means soda, alcohol, etc), laying around like a bum on my day off, and putting things in my mouth before I know how many calories they are.

Living Donor Champions or Dialing for Kidneys

One of the more… I don’t know whether to call it ghoulish or gruesome or just plain disconcerting… portion of the seminar was when the grim German/Austrian accented social worker brought up ways to procure yourself a living donor kidney.

Every one of these examples was followed up by the holy grail – “And they got a kidney!”

  1. Discussions over holiday dinners
  2. Car decals
  3. Facebook pleas
  4. Networking within your church
  5. Taking out billboards

 

You remember the Tom Cruise role in Magnolia? Or if you’ve ever seen a really gifted MLM pitchman… this is what our dour social worker became for about ten minutes as she listed all these absolutely true stories of how people had hustled themselves up a kidney.

It was surreal in a way I’ll never be able to put fully into words, and I have to laugh about it, or I might cry.

So… what makes you decide to give up a literal body part?

I’ve meandered back and forth on this, tell or don’t tell.. write or don’t write… and it was yesterday that made up my mind for me. I was thinking about how daunting the process could look from the outside, and how much I wished there was a no nonsense, no bullshit person who had been through it that I could talk to.

I’m on the path to being a living organ donor. I need to lose weight (no one had to directly tell me this, I already knew before yesterday’s very direct and pointed looks by the lecturer) and I need to go through what feels like a crapload of hoops (though I freely acknowledge that the recipient is going through a whole lot more and way more invasive ones).

There are no guarantees, I have no timelines at this point. I have done my research, days and weeks worth of it, and yesterday I attended the first orientation.

It was held in one of those overly bright auditoriums with a way too long PowerPoint (91 freakin slides), an overly cheerful nurse coordinator, and a dour social worker. Most of the other attendees had the perfectly blank faces of dolls, and one guy I could swear fell asleep during the two and a half hours we listened.

There are 100,000 people on the UNOS list for a kidney right now. It takes between four and six years to get a deceased donated kidney that will live for roughly ten years. A living donated kidney survives longer, for about fifteen. There are plenty of folks who beat the odds one way or another- I’m just passing on the numbers I was given. For a living donor, yes, it’s major surgery, with recovery time of 3 to 4 weeks with the recipient’s insurance covering costs. It can be done via a laparoscopic procedure, so minimal invasion and scarring.

This is an intensely personal and difficult decision. I’m not trying to tell anyone else how to make it, I’m only telling you how I made it- and I don’t feel particularly noble or whatever it is I’m guess I’m supposed to feel. The only word I have for what I’m feeling since yesterday is determined.

I was really young, probably too young, when events unfolded in such a way to bleakly demonstrate the difference between quality of life and quantity of life. Also, me being apparently ahead of the curve, I got to go through a midlife upheaval really quite early in the scheme of things.

Why do I bring this up? Well, for one, I became pretty firm in the belief that one has to exude all the kindness and joy and humor and care and love they can if one hopes to find it out in the world. And I believe that just surviving isn’t enough of a reason to stick around. We aren’t here to survive… we’re here to live.

If you spend enough time with folks who have dialysis as a part of their day to day lives- the difference is real clear real quick.

Stay tuned for next time- Living Donor Champions or Dialing for Kidneys!

 

 

Random Rant- This free speech you speak of… I don’t think it means what you think it means.

I made the usual mistake of deciding today was watch a documentary day. The one I picked was about a guy who decided to go speak on a university campus about why we need to reinforce traditional (read pro straight marriage) values.

Clearly, there was a slant. But after thirty minutes of smash cuts between the earnest kids who think you ‘win’ by screaming profanity over someone else, the Room 101 scene from 1984, and various celebrities apologizing for stupid shit they’ve said, I really couldn’t stand to listen anymore.

Those kids truly thought they were being champions of free speech. They weren’t. If they truly embraced the concept, they’d be protecting the right of anyone to be heard, no matter how objectionable they found it. You want to protest it? Fantastic.. how about doing so in a constructive way? Set up outside the venue and assemble peacefully to talk about why you feel you’re living your best truth and being your best self with people who genuinely want to have a conversation.

When you scream to drown someone out, you rob them of their voice.

“I wholly disapprove of what you say—and will defend to the death your right to say it.”

I will try very hard to apply the Voltairean principle, as well as exercise my Carlinean right.

“The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, decided all by itself that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the first amendment to the Constitution. I’d like to repeat that, because it sounds… vaguely important! The FCC—an appointed body, not elected, answerable only to the president—decided on its own that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the first amendment to the Constitution. Why did they decide that? Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi! A Reverend Donald Wildman in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn’t like. Well, Reverend, did anyone ever tell you there are two KNOBS on the radio? Two. Knobs. On the radio. Of course, I’m sure the reverend isn’t that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it… But hey, reverend, there are two knobs on the radio! One of them turns the radio OFF, and the other one [slaps his head] CHANGES THE STATION! Imagine that, reverend, you can actually change the station! It’s called freedom of choice, and it’s one of the principles this country was founded upon. Look it up in the library, reverend, if you have any of them left when you’ve finished burning all the books.”

 

Random Rant- Please, by all that is holy, STOP DESTROYING MY CHILDHOOD, YOU GREEDY BITCHES… or, you know, stop redoing everything as live action/remakes, if you don’t mind

It’s an overcast, slightly gloomy day here, so I did what I typically do and drug Rick off to the movies for a little escapism. We went to see Christopher Robin, and please, do not think for an instant that that wonderful, original movie inspired this rant. It was warm, well written, and filled with joy and thoughtfulness, Ewan McGregor earnestness wrapped in a Pooh bear, and I recommend it highly.

No, what’s inspiring this rant are all the previews and pre-show material that came before Christopher Robin. Live action Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast (which I purposefully avoided)- vapid, overly glittery reductions of classics that finally drove me to taking out my book and reading in disgust. Honestly, the straight to video Disney sequels struck me as less of an evil cash grab than this.. this.. glorification of princess culture to a new generation… feh!

And then.. the true evil arrived. Benadryl Cucamonga is dead to me, Dr. Strange and Sherlock notwithstanding. He has committed the foulest evil since Jim Carey put on the Grinch suit and gave us back the measels.

He’s voicing the new Grinch movie. A movie that explains the Grinch.

Fuck this, fuck off, fuck no.

There is only one Grinch on celluloid, and it was created by Chuck Jones. Anything else is a complete waste of time. We need a two hour movie about the Grinch’s motivations like we need three fucking Hobbit movies.

OH RIGHT THEY DID THAT ANYWAY TOO THE FUCKING GREEDY BITCHES.

/cough Where was I?

As I pointed out in another conversation, my options for coping are somewhat limited as a consumer. I can refuse to consume it, and I can speak and write of it scathingly.

Welcome to scathing. /rude Benadryl Cucamonga /rude estate of Seuss

Won’t someone please think of the children and just say no?

Writing stuff.. and a question

Ideas for the new book are starting to tap me on the shoulder and remind me what time of year it is. Or, I guess more importantly, what time of year it is getting to be. There’s going to have to be some research done on this one, and no, I’m not going back to any previous stamping grounds. This’ll be a standalone, set here in Albuquerque. I don’t really know how to describe what kind of book I have in mind- kind of a picture of the who the city is to me, a little bit of a love letter to this unique place I’ve found myself where anything can (and does) happen.

So, onto the question.. if you’ve ever worked customer service and helped out someone who is mute, how did that go? Did getting a slip of paper make things awkward, or simpler?

Thanks in advance for anyone that’s able to help out- I can write from one perspective just fine, but in the time I worked retail it’s a situation I just never encountered.

 

Random Rant- For the love of heaven, please STOP putting pockets on my chest.

OK, I’m going to say this knowing that folks aren’t going to necessarily see eye to eye with me here. Bear with me, don’t unfriend/unfollow me just yet, please…

I hate clothes shopping. I hate it. Like a lot a lot.

/waits for the torches and pitchforks

If you go to the store, you’re stuck with the ‘color of the season’ that doesn’t match anything you already own. Then you’re trying stuff on with overly chipper sales people trying to make it okay that you somehow got fatter than you were willing to admit to so did you need that in another one or two sizes up? And the lighting.. if you look in the three way mirror, you may actually become actively suicidal.

OK, you say, go online. Yeah, it’s an option with tons to choose from, except you don’t know what the quality you’ll be getting is like, and researching to see if something is ethically sourced is also kind of a problem. Sure, it’s cheap, but you’re playing fashion roulette.. was it made by a six year old Indonesian kid and will it fall apart after the first wash or the third?

Either way, if you’re a girl of a certain proportion, you’re going to be dealing with the evillest thing imaginable. For I-have-to-appear-in-grown-up-clothes-for-work attire, I prefer the simple button down in a solid color of some appropriate weight fabric for the season. And, to be blunt, the last thing I need is something making me look like I may be in danger of falling forward should I faint.

So why in the HELL does every plus size button down shirt put pockets on the chest?! You’re not going to distract from the fact that I have cleavage, and I’d rather not accentuate it further, thank you so very much. It’s certainly not placed there for utility, they are too small to hold a business card, let alone anything I actually NEED to carry in that circumstance.

And once the designers stop that, can we talk about the enforced 3 quarter sleeves?

So much hate.

 

Short- Chapter 1 of the Witch’s Daughter

“Who are you?”

Whatever else is going on in my life, I can never say I haven’t been blessed with an overabundance of interesting.

To answer your question… I’m the daughter of a witch and a werewolf. No, I don’t know how they met, though I kind of want to assume it was either a Beltane ritual or some kind of paranormal Match.com. It’s always been a story they’ll tell me ‘when I’m old enough’.

I wonder if, along with your driver’s license, right to vote, and ability to drink, if there’s some age in between that a government official shows up at the doorstep and says, “Congratulations, you’ve reached the Age of Enlightenment. You’re officially old enough to hear all the dirty jokes, all the bad words, and all the stories no one would tell you!” Then he’d shake your hand, give you a laminated card with the limerick about the man from Nantucket (you know, so you can prove you’re finally really truly old enough), and be gone.

Sometimes my mind wanders- deal with it. You’re the one who wanted to walk inside my head, I didn’t invite you.

Mom and I lived in Edgewood, New Mexico, where she worked as a librarian. Apparently however lucrative witchery is, it doesn’t pay the bills when you have a kid to take care of. It’s not that Dad wasn’t around- he was, when he could be. But he was based out of Oregon, and, well, it’s a long drive.

He never missed the holy days. Every summer, he took me to his place, were we ran together in the forest. I wear a splinter of his own bone carved into a protective fetish on a leather cord around my neck. I am his only child.

Such are the gifts my father has given me.

Fall, winter, and springtime I belonged to my mother and school and society, in that order. With my mother, I learned to respect life and to love words. One place she never applied ‘when you’re old enough’ was the bookshelf… I read Stephen King along with Jane Austen… and when I stop to think about it, that’s a scary metaphor for my parent’s relationship. Stephen King meets Jane Austen, huh. Funny how these insights spring up.

I still don’t think writing this all down is a good idea, though. Don’t get smug.

Before I go on to tell you why I hate school and society so much, I’m going to derail for a moment and talk about that other world.

Witches and werewolves (and fae and vampires and chupacabra for all I know) usually pass some level of talent or ability on to their offspring. Yes, witches and werewolves have had children before, usually male, usually with some kind of gift. It’s true that sometimes it doesn’t come out until the teenage years, so I still have a few more to go before we know for sure.

Cause right now, it looks like I’m a dud.

Now understand, neither of my parents have ever been anything but wonderful to me, it’s not like there’s this sense of disappointment hanging over me from them. Neither one of them are kid people though (note my one and only status on both sides, though they are not bound to each other in that way), and I think I know my mother well enough to say that she wouldn’t have had a child if the portents hadn’t been favorable.

So, understand, when I look around at other people, especially kids my age, that think they know what the world is and who they are in it with such absolute disgusting certainty… well, I kind of hate them. I hate them for their blindness- I mean, mom wasn’t exactly cooking up potions in the break room at the library, but she did hand out an awful lot of amazingly helpful teabags. I envy them for what they consider problems… losing a smartphone, failing a test, getting a zit on date night… when compared to wondering what the hell you were born for, it sure looks like small potatoes, right?

And they don’t worry about the dangers out there that they can’t admit exist.

Like any of the hundreds of things that may have my mother.

She’s been gone for 198 days now, and no one knows what else to do.

I am Nessa. I’m 17 and still barely tall enough to ride the really good roller coasters. I have dark hair like my father’s and my mother’s dark eyes. I’m the girl in the back of the room that does her best to never be noticed by anyone by keeping her nose in a book. I have my father’s grace in the woods, but nowhere else. I have my mother’s knowledge in the garden and the kitchen, but know nothing of her potions or spells.

Even if I never see her again, in my heart I will always be the witch’s daughter.

 

 

Hope you enjoyed Chapter 1, and if you’re tempted to read a little further, well, the whole book is available on Amazon. If you click on My Books at the top, it’ll helpfully take you straight there.

Cheers!

Random Ramble- Corg life

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I love our girls… all three of them are little cuddlebugs who make us smile every single day.

But Bree, the corg… she’s my shadow. She’s completely unlike any dog I’ve ever had or ever met- and I swear, she understands every damn word I say to her. And she really wants me to talk to her. She waddles, she’s sleeps 20 hours a day, she doesn’t like the heat, and she wants the TV to be on and for us to be on the couch, chilling. All the time. Snacks are good, too. Oh, and cheese? Cheese is best.

Bree might be the living embodiment of my spirit animal.

I do have to admit though, this time of year, there’s a facet of Bree that does make me sigh.

She sheds. Don’t let that lack of feathery floof fool you… there are corg tumbleweeds traveling through my house that no Roomba will ever be able to capture. Floofdrifts gather in the corners every day, and corgglitter covers my clothes after cuddletime.

I brush and I sweep and I Roomba and I bathe… and still. So. Much. Hair.

Even after doing all these things, Bree will come park herself on my lap, and I’ll see a little tuft of hair, like a cowlick, not quite laying flat. If I give it a tug, out comes a pound of hair, like she’s a teddy bear giving up her plush and going bearbald.

Inevitably, she’ll turn and give me that steady look that says, “Bitch. I was saving that for your pillow tonight. And could you please change the sheets? I’m tired of all the dog hair.”