OK, it’s officially fall now so I feel like I can actually write about the pumpkin spice thing. Which, for the record, I completely agree that not everything on the planet HAS to be pumpkin spiced.

Yes, I’m aware not all of these products are real- but can you call all of them out with complete 100% certainty? Yeah, me neither.

But…. at the same time, oh my heavens, I want to try at least some of that stuff. Kind of. Maybe it’s a sign of my level of conformity… when September hits, I want to snuggle in an afghan and consume pumpkin spice and wearing leggings. While I do technically have a pair of boots that I technically could wear with those leggings, I have not bought a vest to complete the ensemble.

Maybe if it was a Han Solo vest. MAYBE.

So Rick and I went grocery shopping after an early dinner (no, we’re not 70, we just don’t want to deal with crowds when we go out), and as soon as we headed in the doors, Rick started laughing.

I peeked around his shoulder and saw what can only be described as a supermarket altar to all things Pumpkin Spice. “They saw you coming.”

Absentmindedly I told him to shut it as I began to scour the shelves for that which I could have (Special K, or so I thought, more on this later) versus the things I oh most certainly could not even think of having (the 14 inch pumpkin pie). The plethora of pleasantly scented pumpkin products pounded against my nasal passages, promising pumpkin passion, held at bay lo these many months of spring and summer, would soon be sated.

Pumpkin rolls and pies and cookies (with chocolate chips.. wtf does that and why are they corrupting the essence of the pumpkiny goodness?) Pop Tarts and muffins and donuts and everything edible in between you could possibly imagine and then some.

Rick pointed out pumpkin pancake/waffle batter. I saw 140 calories for two pancakes and bought it.

Special K had they little crispy pastry thing next to the Pop Tarts. 100 calories?! Into the cart they went.

Then I started looking at cereals.

Rick: “They have cheerios.”

Me: “Shut up, that’s not food.” He should so know better than to interrupt the internal Pumpkin Spice monologue and label reading.

Frosted Mini Wheats- oh temptation… I used to love these as a kid.. and as an older kid that didn’t feel like using the microwave. Holy chao, there’s Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes… omg I bet those are amazing. Ah here we go.. good old reliable Special K.

/read label

Uh.. these are higher calorie than the mini wheats… wait, are the amounts comparable?

/scans mini wheat label

8 nuggets? WTF counts as a damn nugget? Is it less or more than 3/4 a cup?

Against my will, the box of Frosted Flakes fell into my hands.. 3/4, less calories than Special K.. WTH.. you know what, screw it. They’re grrrreaaaaat!

And that was it.. everything I got was about 200 calories a serving and won’t break the caloric bank. I’m a happy girl. Just three items, all intended for eating, like people do from time to time.

Cause friends, it’s all about moderation. Pumpkin is a beautiful thing, it doesn’t deserve to be this-

 

Or this-

 

And maybe most especially not this-

 

We gotta slow down, people, before these next few items become actual products in the stores-

And if those things are real, could y’all do me like a personal favor and NEVER tell me? I’m not sure I want to live in that world.

 

Edit- And today, what do I find out in the world but this-

Seriously, people. Calm. Down.

This one’s been brewing for awhile… came to mind again after I heard Jim Parsons is callin it quits.

Mayim Bialik– Going to keep this part short, since I’ve ranted about her before and I’d hate to bore folk. Bottom line for me is always this- if I’m so familiar with the fact that an actor is a twit/morally reprehensible/just a shite person in general and knowing that pulls me out of the character, I just plain don’t watch them anymore. See Tom Cruise, Tom Hardy, Mel Gibson, Bill Cosby, Amy Schumer, Lena Dunham.

Character development– and I already hear people saying, but Ari, look at all the changes to these people from season one?! Oh, yes, there are changes… but they are changes to make the characters more appealing to a broader audience, not necessary changes that are true to the character. Cases in point-

Bernadette– She began as a slightly humorless, cutesy, and maybe a little ditzy waitress. Then, as she and Howard continue dating and getting more serious, she develops razor sharp wit that keeps Howard on his toes at all times, before finally morphing into a bellow for bellow replica of Howard’s mother. And that’s not even the most egregious transformation. To me, one of the lowest points of the show was when Howard and Bernadette sat down to seriously discuss their feelings on having kids, with Bernadette knowing her own mind absolutely. Fast forward a couple seasons, and guess who magically changed their mind?

Raj– Starts out, he can’t talk to women, except when he drinks. Until one day, he just magically can. Bullshit. More on Raj later, his arc ties into a general theme.

Amy– OK, go back and watch the first episode with Amy, then watch the Shamie episode, then watch anything from the past two years. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Now, how the everliving fuck did we get from asexual clinical ice queen of the put down to this.. hormonal hose beast who embraces princess culture, of all things? Are you fucking kidding me? But you know, I bet she polls better with general audiences now, and we all know that’s what’s most important.

Sheldon– I’ve saved the best/worst for last. Sheldons don’t change like we’ve seen Sheldon change over the seasons without 1) a desire to change, 2) lots of therapy and mindfulness, and 3) possible traumatic brain injury. Again, we had an asexual geek character who was perfectly happy with the way he conformed his environment to suit him. Someone with absolutely no desire to be ‘normal’ and lamented his warm family upbringing and longed for Leonard’s more clinical experimental version of childhood. Sheldon had no interest in settling down into marriage and raising kids. Sheldon wanted to play Star Wars anything with his friends all weekend without interruptions, probably while screwing them out of any phat lewts.

It used to be a show for geeks– The reason I really used to love this show is that it was made for people who are unabashedly enthusiastic about aspects of pop culture we know other people see as lame or pointless. This show used to be about the little family these geeks built in which they cared for and accepted one another for who they were. Period. End of list. You didn’t have Leonard convincing Sheldon that he needed to date some nice girl and settle down or Raj telling Howard he needed to find his father and settle his daddy issues. And yes, their family had boundaries- Howard was told when he was being creepy, Sheldon was told when he’d pushed the lines too far on thinking he was the center of the universe. There were jokes and diatribes about Magic -I mean, the Mystical Warlords of Ka’a- and Settlers of Catan (I need wood!) that have been heard in my own Den of Geek more times than I can count. The discussion and edification around comic lore.. oh yeah, that’s real, and so are the arguments over who’d win in a fight or wouldn’t it be really cool if they’d cast X person and oh. my. god. Aquaman sucks!

I get these people. I am these people. I have my own Howards and Sheldons and Leonards, and I love them and accept them for who they are.

What did I spend all this time and words to drive home?

This show and the characters, as they were created, was not meant to appeal to the broadest possible audience. It changed to become that, and in doing so, it nullifies the message of acceptance for geeks, the asexual, the childfree. It says that the earnest guy who can’t keep a girl is a loser who should be afraid he’s going to die alone, and that even the guy who has no interest in finding a romantic relationship is suddenly going to develop one, like a pesky mutated appendage.

Call it geek culture appropriation. Call it nerd shaming. Call it Emmy award winning comedy of the highest caliber.

I don’t give a damn, I will continue to call it crap. Particularly disappointing crap that wants to break it’s arm patting itself on the back for showing women with careers in science while warping its original characters into grotesque caricatures of themselves that should be killed with fire.

My last hope is that they’ll pull a Newhart in the finale, with Sheldon waking up to realize it was all a bad dream.