“Sorry is the Kool-Aid of human emotions. It’s what you say when you spill a cup of coffee or throw a gutter ball when you’re bowling with the girls in the league. True sorrow is as rare as true love.”
― Stephen King, Carrie via Sue Snell
This quote has lived rent free in my head since I first read Carrie when I was… anh, let’s call it thirteen. Pretty sure I was a high school freshman. Seeing the above meme made it trumpet through my head for the millionth time.
Now, upon reflection and considering those involved, I don’t think if either of my parents were in front of me right now I don’t even think I’d get the Kool-Aid version. What I have gotten from my mother was a hand wave with ‘seems like you turned out okay’.
They truly never believed they did anything wrong. Can there be forgiveness without admission of wrongdoing? We’re still coming down to the fact that they were supposedly adults and I was the supposed child- though I was never allowed to feel like one. Fear, sadness, pain, the way I always felt out of step everywhere, whether within the family or with my peers… none of these things was I allowed to feel. All tightly compressed, down into the pit of my stomach, that’s where feelings lived, never to be discussed because they had no value, no purpose. They made me messy and difficult.
Reading over the lines in that meme… all I see are excuses and ways to sweep abuse under the rug, so THEY can benefit.. your messy feelings stay yours, and none of anything you feel is their fault. I’m not too worried about dear old dad sending this to me- I’m pretty sure as far as he’s concerned, I’m just crazy and irrational like my mother.
Maybe he’s not wrong… I’d say I’m doing okay for a crazy person, and at some point I think I got a lot less concerned with that appellation being applied to me. I think anyone that brings a child into this world and beating, belittling, and crippling them with insecurity and anxiety due to your lack of desire to regulate your feelings is crazy.
But what do I know?
Anyway, if you’re nodding along at any point in this rant, and someone is fuckin foolish enough to send you this meme and advocate for you going and playing happy families cause it makes someone’s fuckin holiday dinner pics look nicer cause the whole fam is there… I hope you’ll send this back:
Curiouser and Curiouser 