Random Rant- OK, let’s get uncomfortable.

It’s a weird fuckin time. And has been since 2020 first kicked off.

But this? Waking up and seeing protests in 30 cities last night… it feels more surreal than it has before. And I know, believe me, I know- I have lived life enjoying the benefits of being white and female. We have have a certain degree of caution that borders on fear, but mine is at a lower ebb.

I don’t have to turn on the news every other day and see some other person just like me who died just trying to live life. I can sit here and say but we’re all people and I don’t see myself as different or better than anyone else, but that is the barest sliver of the problem.

It’s not how I see the world, and I can’t excuse the life I’ve enjoyed so easily. It’s how the world sees people of color.

And yeah, I can sit and point at the root causes and contributing factors all damn day. It doesn’t help because I’m not in a position to effect change.

So, here I sit, without agency or power to help when I desperately want to.

Here’s what I can do- I can understand. And right now, I understand that this fury, this grief, despair, fear to the point of madness at what our society has become must be vented. And if that venting is on the buildings of the city that houses that society- I get it. Acceptable losses. That’s what insurance is for. And after that purge is done, there’s a chance for healing.

And if you want to tell me I’m delusional or stupid… I’m going to point out the fact that when a white guy felt like he needed to vent his frustration with race relations, George Floyd ended up dead this week, and that was the final spark on this powder keg of insanity we’ve been calling 2020.

Because it wasn’t just one act by one guy. There were two other guys helping him.

And how many raided Breonna’s home and killed her?

And how many chased down Ahmaud and shot him in the street?

Why is it so easy to find videos of white women screaming abuse at people of color? Telling them they are less than, threatening them?

This is where we are… and the complex mix of grief and guilt and shame that I feel today- it doesn’t help a goddamn thing.

So I do my best to understand, and to hope, and talk to those that do have the agency and the power to be a part of the solve.

I hope if you read this, that you’ll take some time to think it through, and find some understanding in yourself, too. And I hope it can lead to a call to your powers that be, a letter, a kindness. When you hear someone condemning the protesters, I hope you’ll speak up.

If your courage falters, and you feel yourself slipping into the path of least resistance, remember George and Breonna and Ahmaud… people who were just trying to live.