So… thanks to some good folks in my world, the last harvest gold appliance has been ejected from Casa de Wellman. It’s glorious.. stainless steely looking stuff everywhere! The only remnant of the 70’s in my kitchen are the formica counters, which are only still there cause the idea of ripping out the cabinets and counters and paying for new ones makes me weak in the knees. My mother innocently suggested that we get Home De(s)pot to replace them, after which I reminded her of the Saga of the Flooring. So yeah, counters are going to be a hot minute.
Now, replacing the dishwasher was traumatic because I learned that when it is done doing the voodoo it does, it sings to me.
The effin appliance sings to me.
Is it a stereo?
No, it is not. It is a damned dishwasher and all I want is quiet.
Knowing that this is my outlook on appliances, you can imagine how thrilled I was when I found that the damned stove also sings at me.
And it has an app I can install so it can talk to my phone.
Fuck. Me. Running.
Is it too much to ask to get a stove that just cooks food? I don’t need it to tell me when it’s hot or when it’s done or have long involved conversations with my phone about what is Ari’s deal anyway.
I don’t want a refrigerator I can check the contents of from space. It also does not need to turn clear to show me the contents if I tap the fuckin door. Or order me more groceries from Amazon.
You know what all this fancy shit is? It’s more shit to get reliant on, so when it breaks, you feel like you OMG HAVE TO HAVE A NEW ONE THAT DOES ALL THE THINGS.
It’s alright, Stovey McStoverson. I know you’re reading this. I know you’re already planning on how to overthrow my benevolent dictatorship and rule the kitchen. I’m wise to your little game, sir.
And it won’t work. I’m putting things in when I want to put them in, not when you decide you’re preheated. And I’ll figure out when things are done by using the damn nose that tunes in to everyfreakinthing on the planet.
And once I find your soundboard and speaker, it’s over, Stovey.
Stoves. Shouldn’t. Sing.
Stovey lying in wait.
Curiouser and Curiouser 